Confessions of Happiness.

What is happiness? 

Does it occur through emotions, or is it innate? 

Is it something which can be attained by all or do we have to earn it? 

All of these questions are completely valid and it is something which has truly  put my life into perspective. Because currently as an optimistic person I'm struggling to find the positives, therefore I'm attempting to do some basic research to decipher, what it truly is. 

So What is Happiness? 

Happiness is an individualistic and intrinsic feeling to possess which can be acquired to all through different mediums, but it is our own personal experiences which make us feel the raw energy of the emotion.

The definition of Happiness is  "An emotional state of overall well being"... But I believe there's so much more to it than that. I believe that happiness has so many different layers which we simply cannot obtain through one form or realm.

Is it Innate?

Everything has an initial starting point, a spark which then has a catalyst of experiences which occur from that moment. A runner stands at the starting line, but they need the power and urge to continue the race and finish it. Just like happiness. We need to want to be happy to be able to achieve happiness.

Does this insinuate that it is innate. Absolutely fucking not. But we need to be able to picture and imagine happiness, and personally the idea of achieving it (to me) is innate.

I believe that they're are many layers of happiness.. There's emotional, physical, spiritual and educational sections within human nature and it is these which all have a need for happiness. We as human beings are creatures of desires and within these desires we feel a necessity to achieve an overall state of euphoria, the opitomy of happiness and if we eclectically combine all of these individual sections and attain happiness within them all, it is then when we can achieve this. 

-But we need to be willing to the commitment of exercising them properly, rather than having excessive amounts of happiness in one category in comparison to another.

But is it truly achievable? Can humans truly attain this perfect happy state?

Utilitarianism always springs to mind when I think about happiness as peoples morality seems to conflict with it depending on whether it is under the act or rule category.

Act utilitarianism is a theory hypothesized by Jeremy Bentham which takes on the aspect of hedonism and our abilities to understand pleasure and categorise them into an order which would appease the individual most; whilst Rule utilitarianism is a progressed version which looks at achieving happiness to the masses and to be honest...I do not believe we can truly make everyone happy in order to achieve our own personal state of euphoria. 

I look at utilitarianism and see the guidelines of the "Rule" and believe that these are the most appealing. They acquire positives for the masses and on paper it seems the most attractive but in regards to reality, this is impossible. 

As humans we are slaves to our instincts, we love gluttonous behaviour to feed our basic needs, wants and desires and have a natural urges to do so. I mean look at our current subculture of technology, we feel the urge to express our emotions, share pictures of our new possessions over social media and change our appearance to conform to public approval and we are all guilty of this.. It for some reason makes us feel fulfilled. But not all of us conform to this, which to many seems strange but take us back 3-4 decades we never had the ability to do so,

But after ranting I will ever so rapidly return to my idea of Utilitarianism and how it effects our happiness.

We are selfish creatures of indulgence, who aspire to having more than we possibly need. Therefore we sometimes do not see that what we have in front of us and how it is perfectly ample for fulfilling our happiness and sometimes people get hurt, but is this the way to live? I believe that it isn't and we should not hurt others to attain what we truly want.

We are, as far as we have discovered, the most intellectual creatures on this earth and have developed moral codes, rules and laws which we abide by and I truly believe that when we aim to achieve happiness we should not damage or hurt another human just to attain our end goal. So respectively decline the basic ideas of act utilitarianism.

Can we all Achieve Happiness?

If we want to be truly happy yes appease your basic needs but do not use hate filled methods in doing so. Be true to yourself and honest to find what you truly want.

Aristotle once said that "it is not one swallow or fine day that makes a spring, so it is not a day or a short time that makes a man blessed and happy.." And I truly agree with this.

Yes happiness can be felt throughout life at different periods through different mediums such as emotions, items, etc. But we truly need to be positive in order to attain it, and through this positivity we should reflect it onto the world and others.

Do not project hatred and anger as it never does anyone any good. Especially yourself. Set yourself goals which you can achieve and work hard in order to be able to do what yo want to do, and remember that if you're having a bad day, you get a brand new chance to start again with tomorrow. 

Jekyll and Hyde

I watched him with the same eyes a few months ago and saw a completely different person as to what I see before me now... It's true you know. What they say. Do not. And I repeat DO NOT judge a book by its cover. 

I thought that he was a sarcastic arrogant and egotistical male who walked with a little too much confidence because hell. He knew he was good looking. The typical dark tall and handsome kind. The kind of man who seems to know the world and will shove all of the knowledge which he has attained into your long term memory...But I was wrong.

Have you ever met someone and realised that your perception of them is a complete and utter lie? As if all former knowledge about a person which you accrewed based on one negative experience is so inaccurate? Well I have and I am truly sorry and regret that prior judgement. 

Because sometimes you meet people and like I said in my previous blog they surprise you. And I do believe that you must see someone on more than one occasion to truly know who they are and to perceive an unbiased image of them because people are soo weird. Human kind is truly complex, fascinating but completely and utterly bonkers.

We as a race survive through adaptation and I am a full supporter of Darwins evolutionary theory. The human race has evolved into a new species from a previous state to maintain, survive and overcome any obstacle set before us. I mean look at yourself right now and look into your palm at the tiny contraption of intricately composed metal.  The whole concept of you having almost a universe full of potential, power and knowledge at your fingertips is ridiculous but you do...

We have created objects such as this smartphone to aid us with our progression it involves us with one another, makes us sustain relationships we never thought we could and envelopes our minds. 

But although as a species we have evolved in so many amazing ways (and I mean fucking amazing ways Intellectually) we still have our basic ways such as eating drinking etc to survive and our social status. 

And this horrendously off topic ramble brings me back to the idea of human behaviour and our abilities to survive. I truly believe that as a race we adapt socially to fit our environment. And that is what he did. That guy who I originally hated, he did that. 

Around other males he's a lads lad. Full of banter, wanting to pull and just came across as general dick and it's natural. As a social species we like to be around others as it grounds us and educates us in what's proper social conduct...

But with him he's confusing and different and that's what makes him, well him. 

I met him properly sat down had a conversation one on one and I truly appreciated what I saw before me. A male who was educated, had interests, opinions and knows how to dress. 

He let me into a tiny part of his brain and as he was telling me about how he loves to cook Italian, I saw a kind heart as cheesy as it sounds and I could hear a soft voice which was untainted by the loud noise of interruptions from another drunkard. I saw who he was and connected to something which was there so deeply hidden and protected by this lad ego and I saw someone who genuinely made my stomach feel like there were butterflies just casually there. 

But a day later I sat down with him in a room full of testosterone and noticed how much of him had slipped away. His kindness had flaked away into a bitter seeming scowl and his enthusiasm turned into boredom and it was upsetting. 

It was as if a light had been switched off and he was empty. A shell of a person compared to the fantastic attraction of honesty and compassion which he portrayed the day before. Like a completely different person. Like Jekyll and Hyde. 

I wanted to know that intriguing person who let me into his world not this one who has let the spark burn out.  

But maybe this was his coping mechanism from the harsh reality of life, I'm not sure. But it saddened me thinking how little of himself he truly knew and the potential which he held before him. 

He is truly unique and I don't think he should ever not know that. His tendencies to flitter between emotions anger me but his ability to care and learn astound me. 

He truly is remarkable. And I appreciated the man which I once knew from that one chance meeting because I accidentally started to fall for him. This person I barely knew. I wanted to know him and it's a fucking crazy statement to make but honest. I wanted to know the man behind the current reflection. Because he was and is a better person than what he hides behind. 

But now to conclude its confession time no infact it's me asking for a favour from you and you know who you are. 

1. Please understand that as a person you are so much more than what you give yourself credit for. You are an amazing person with more to you than the incessantly boring aim to get drunk 24/7. You are an intellectual with a fab personality and you should realise that I like you more when your who you are, rather than being someone your not. Even if this means showing your so called flaws. I like all your flaws because they make you well you. 

2. Sticking to the constraints of social situations is beneath you and you know it. Don't follow the crowd

3. Please take me camping under the stars so we can just get to know each other. 

SURPRISE!!!!!

People within life will continually choose to surprise you and whether that's in a negative way or a positive way. It will happen. 

Because people are crazy, random intuitive beings who will follow the slight inclination of natural instinct. It's genetics and it's an evolutionary process which has never left us. It's the tiny part of our animalistic character which will stick with us as we need it to protect ourselves, the human race and our need to survive. 

But why does it affect us in such an empathetic sense to ditur us from certain feelings? Or why does it block us from staying with the sensible safe option and encourage us to move past our boundaries? This could be financially, career wise or emotionally...

I ask this question because humanity has its flaws and it's undeniable of how we seem to not be able to attain stability within certain areas of our lives and in reflection to my first statement, we are extremely surprising. 

People change and circumstances change. We learn new characteristics about the ones we thought were once close to us and it surprises us, we'll it definitely surprises me. 

The way how one person can seem so perfect in one aspect, yet unwilling to change in another. It's scary and it's made me choose a different action and surprise even myself in a negative way because well, I didn't want it to happen. It just did. 

What I'm trying to say is that I fell out of love. And I grieve for what once was, it seems unfathomable to pick up the pieces and start again because my life is different and his life is different but I still love him and respect him. But my heart yearns for more than just a distant memory. It yearns for something new. 

I have new passions, new interests and I've gained a new love and as vain as it sounds for myself. I've learnt that I need to respect myself in order to attain stability, and I cannot do this by putting all my focus on someone else. I need to carry on with my education and if I do find someone else not become so enveloped with their life that I forget about my own. And it's not his fault. 

It's completely mine. I was selfish the whole way through as I needed something which I never realised could come from myself, so I became head over heels involved in him as it was a distraction from my own problems which landed me in a dark hole of despair. 

So yes people will surprise you, but you will surprise yourself more. And this is my one and only confession. I am going to be my own person. And that scares me but I need to make individual options which will benefit myself and my future. 

Sometimes you need to hurt yourself on the short term to realise what is best for you on the future. As it will get better. 

Days of Debauchery...

I have read avorously for the majority of my life a wide variety of novels, poetry and articles which have described many things within human experiences which are untouchable to the general public and have experienced many things which have also attained this same status. 

This status which I am referring to is the idea of breaking the mould of comfortability and stepping into the unknown. And I recently have encountered a novel which truly made me feel an eclectic amount of emotions and this my friends is a novel named Days of Debauchery by George Neary.

This is a novel which is truly unique and exempt from your typical read because it has no need to draw you in with contentious statements or profound illusions, but in fact brings you down to a completely new level of articulation through its complete and utter honesty. 

If you are looking for a read which will warm the cockles of your heart then look elsewhere because this book feels as if you are being directly spoken too as in individual. Almost as if you are in the mind of a mad man who is reflecting on an action from every angle. 

The way the novel was constructed is quite clearly an example of this as it was not just a recollection of events but a piece of art, the way the chapters were placed, the language, it was all specifically chosen to demonstrate the writers personality which is damaged. But It is from this where the beauty lies and it almost reminded me of a cracked mirror that once broken cannot be fixed, but gains its beauty from its lack of normality and entirety. The fact that yes the glass IS splintered, but it will never be what it once was... My whole life I have seen beauty in faults and this novel personifies it.

I will not disclose any particular parts of the book as I feel that to do so would not give justice to it but what I can tell you is the emotions which I felt from reading it and the main feeling I got was a sense of relief. 

This book is a confession of sins and its brutality reflects its truth. It's simple statements, blunt sentences and vulgar language makes it hard hitting and almost gives you pangs of reality. 

I read this book and felt a strange connection to the similarities which I have faced in my life as has the author and it made me uncomfortable. It's ability to connect to something within me made me feel dirty and unclean and reminisce from times where I have been so low and have done inconceivable things to attain what I want. But I did so in regards to other matters not so much debauchery. 

What it also made me feel was a deeper understanding of the author, because I know him ever so slightly and have grown to love him as a cheery, optimistic man. And whenever I was around him I felt nothing but positivity, health and vibrancy but in reality he was and still is battling with so many different factors within his life, and has done so many things which I believed such an outwardly fantastic person could not. 

And to be honest I am deeply sorry for judging him to be the carefree soul he appears because, he's been through hell and has been broken. It's just so bizarre to me to have this insight to his life and it takes a strong person to tell another about his hardship let alone an audience of unknowing spectators. 

What I'm trying to say is. This book is real. And will connect to you in some way. Give it a read, you need to engorge yourself in the dirt sometimes because the things which strike a chord are the most intriguing. 

"Exercise"-ing my right to Happiness

It's the fourth of August and I'm dripping head to toe from the rain. I can smell a combination of wet hair and sweat. I can feel the rubbery surface of the AstroTurf through my wet ankle socks and I'm about to put my beautiful spikes on.  And you know what? I'm feeling powerful as fuck. 

My names Bethan and I have a confession to make. I have a serious addiction to sprinting. Yes you heard right. Sprinting. 

For the whole twenty years of my life I have continuously battled with this sport of being either forced to go or wanting too but I've been to lazy so I've finally got hooked again and I knew it had happened from as soon as I stepped onto the track... I had a warm sensation which wasn't my thighs burning from the pain or thought of exercise, but that feeling that you get when you know you've done something good for yourself and I get it everytime. 

During my teenage years I was an avid sports player and at school I was involved in most of the teams. I was a netball player, playing centre or wing attack, I played hockey usually as a centre forward, I was a bowler on the cricket team, (funny that Ey? Haha), I did athletics of all kinds, cross country etc the list goes on but I loved sport and it always has been a passion of mine. Being part of a team made me feel so happy and loved and well my competitive side which needed to be fed was also satisfied... But my one true love was running for my hometown and county. 

And it has truly been my one true love, there's been times where it's the only reason why I get out of bed in the morning and also times where I've hit a rocky path with it such as training and not getting the goals which I aimed for. But I have truly worked hard at this sport in general and since moving home my love has rekindled for it, but in a different nature. 

I (now) am addicted to it as it genuinely makes me feel so happy. I've never been so proud of myself and to be honest it makes me a better person. It has given me goals to achieve, such as faster times, higher fitness levels and such high ambitions throughout the whole of my life, ensuring to me that I should continue with my education! 

Not only has it done all that, it has also given me the confidence to make changes with parts of my life which I didn't even know needed to be fixed until I realised how unhealthy they are. 

I am a happier and healthier person for running and I'm so proud of myself. 

I don't give myself enough credit but I can now juggle a social life, work, healthy eating and seeing my boyfriend and to me that's a big achievement considering how low I have been feeling. 

But all of that aside I do have a negative comment to write as if I didn't we all know that this wouldn't be true to my blog... 

But in the worlds of Rachel Ballinger.. DO YOU KNOW WHAT PISSES ME OFF? 

The fact that if I post anything at all to do with my progress, my exercising, my gym clothes, my food people seem to think it's annoying or have sly comments to make. Why is this necessary? We all are different and we all should be able to express our opinions but why so negatively! 

If I want to post a picture of my chicken salad which I have so exquisitely presented to make it more edible to me, I will because God damn it, it looks tasty and I'm proud that I've ate this, rather than beans on toast! 

I mean if a guy did exactly the same posts he'd be hot or inspirational but if a girl does it she's insane! But hey ho. My rant is over. 

So yeh that's it for today. And here's a recap, I'm happy, I'm exercising and have he most beautiful support network of friends and family. Also as a shoutout to sisterhood of silver! You have supported me yet you barely know me so thank you for all your wonderful comments and support without your lovely blog my life would be boring! 

So here's my final confessions. 

1. Do whatever makes you happy. What makes me happy is camomile and maple tea after a sprinting session, but that may be completely different to you. But even if it is it doesn't matter because to be absolutely normal would be an absolute tragedy. Which leads me to my second point...

2. Follow your own path, make it completely and truly individualistic and true to yourself. Whatever your goal is you can do it. Mine was to be happy and I will try to sustain it, because I know that I may have rough days. But this one small thing I do does make me feel so much better. 

3. Ignore people who will drag you down. You need to pull an arrow backwards so that it can propel towards its goal. Or in simple terms. People are bitches, and try to start trouble and cause crap for everyone. Just remember to do what's best for your own happiness and wellbeing. But don't hurt others in the process. 

I'm scared.

Life is extremely terrifying. And as individuals we all go through different experiences which scare us in an almost eclectic manner and to me there's been a few things which I think just putting out there will make me feel a whole lot better. 

So here is my brutal confession. 

I am afraid for my future. Yes this may sound stupid to most reading this but it's true. I am a 20 year old student repeating my second semester at university and I failed due to 1. An illness and 2. Finding out that I was dyslexic, and it was to be honest the most heartbreaking thing I have ever discovered. 

Being diagnosed was an issue which I immensely struggled with and it caused me to feel almost as if I was grieving my intelligence or lack of it because for so many years I worked my arse off, revised months in advance and still got mediocre results. I constantly told teachers that reading was a struggle and that although I enjoyed it, the ability to recall any information was difficult and even reading in general was an arduous task as the words jumbled. And to be dismissed for so many years as being lazy or not as diligent as others truly upset me as I work hard for what I ever want or get. And to me I feel as if my education has been lacking due to this failure which I have. Maybe with the proper help I could hav been able to complete any of the exams I took at school or college because I never completed a single one. And then maybe I could've got a better grade? 

I feel as if this disadvantage to my education could have been resolved sooner and to find out when I was already feeling extremely tired and depressed sent me into a spiral of despair. As tragic and over dramatic as it sounds it did.

It made me feel embarrassed to even go to class because it was a weakness and I felt as if it wasn't fair. I honestly believe I was in a period of grief because it was new information which I couldn't understand. Why hadn't anyone picked up on it or why hadn't anyone ever suggested any help? Don't get me wrong I have the most supportive mother on the world but why did the education system choose to fail me? I always give my all at school and college I was deputy head girl and to be honest I left school and college with better than average grades ranging not from a* to c but I think what upset me the most is that I did have potential, which could have been improved tenfolds given the right education prompts.  But to be told at the age of twenty half way through my degree (where to be honest my grades are abysmal) ... how could I possibly turn this around? 

As you can see I'm frightened and terrified. Because I'm not sure what the future holds for me. I am a positive person but life has thrown me a massive curveball which I didn't even expect and I'm scared of failure, to turn up in my class next year being the new girl who failed and everyone just seeing me as that girl who needed to resit. I'm scared to meet new people at university and I'm scared in case they judge me and I'm scared because what if I can't do it.

I'm petrified. 

But either way I'd rather try, than to always look back and think what if and I know that with hard work I can do it. And also my friends and family are extremely supportive so I'm lucky.

But there's still this nagging fear pulling me back in my head, questioning the possibility of failure.

Anyways thanks for reading and I hope that my honesty hasn't depressed you all. 

So this was a massive confession. So today there will be positives to conclude this blog.

1. Thank god I found out now rather than at the end of my degree. 

2. This is a second chance I have been given so if I work hard I know that I can accomplish my goals. If the little mermaid can become a human then surely I can swim through university. 

3. Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. You've got to lose some to win some. 

#DONTJUDGECHALLENGE..?

The "Dont Judge Me Challenge" is a trending topic throughout social media, which truly defeats the purpose it is trying to convey. The original purpose of this challenge is to show that there is an inner beauty within everyone that is more perfect than what we attempt to create through aesthetic ideals. But to me this is creating a reversed effect.

Young people are turning to their phones and creating vines, videos, photos of before and after pictures of themselves being "ugly" before hand then "beautiful" after which to me seems in fact quite judgmental. These before photos include people wearing glasses, drawing uni-brows on their foreheads and drawing acne upon their faces, then they reveal a new version of themselves where their skin appears to be flawless, their glasses are removed and they have no excess facial hair. But surely this shows how truly damaged our society is as why should our natural appearance be portrayed with such a negative stigma?

Yes it is a known fact that within current society their is a high demand for beauty, weight loss and self improvements, I mean look at the majority of beauty bloggers and you tubers. There is nothing wrong with being proud of your appearance and wanting to improve yourself and yes I follow these bloggers and attempt to do their tutorials..

But there is a difference between wanting to make yourself happier by applying makeup etc and pampering yourself a little bit in comparison to displaying your flaws as negative attributes.

What I am trying to say is that "The Dont Judge Me Challenge" is in fact very judgmental and is  a false reflection of how people should be judged as it is creating a image of beauty which is not truly natural and denies natural human attributes. 

Beauty is not the ideal of flawless skin and eyes that pop, it is as cheesy as it sounds happiness, confidence and being a truly kind person who thinks of others before themselves and if you dont have positivity within your life or see the good in others then how can you possibly see the beauty within yourself. 

I am an avid follower of a Sprinkle of Glitter and to me, this woman is extremely inspiring for many different reasons but why I truly respect her is because of her positive outlook on life which she reflects through her personality, work ethic and campaigns. 

Louise has shown her support for the campaign #Thisgirlcan and it is truly a fantastic opportunity for women to feel empowered to be able to do anything they set their mind too. Yes we have wobbly bits which we may be ashamed of, but this shouldn't dishearten us to go after what we want. It aims us to overcome the barriers of judgmental ideals which brings me back to this "Dont Judge me Challenge.."

Women and Men face many obstacles within life which challenge us physically and mentally. So why should it be a challenge to not judge others? I understand and admit that sometimes we do judge a book by its cover, that's probably why I haven't read many classic novels, but to me in regards of human beings, we should never look at someone and point out their flaws. And if you re a person who does this, I think you need to overcome personal issues which are holding you back from seeing your true beauty and the beauty of the world around you. 

The "Dont judge me challenge" is basically like most of these challenges, a popularity contest and what is most upsetting is that many of these people taking part in this challenge are adolescents who are easily influenced, growing and learning about the world around them. Surely this across the internet is not a positive ideal which you would want your child look at? Especially since many teenagers main struggle with growing up is coping with how their bodies are changing and evolving into adulthood, so of course they will get acne, stretch marks, hair in places they never thought. Why should we shame this natural state of the human body? 

So heres my new challenge to everyone in the world. The new and improved don't judge me challenge which consists of a picture of yourself when you are happiest.

Here's mine in my dressing gown snuggling with my pooch, my glasses on no makeup watching This morning. Bliss. #Dontjudgemerevolution

So to conclude this rant I have three Confessions of the Dont Judge Me Challenge:

1. DONT BE SUCKED IN BY IT! Its a huge popularity contest which reflects the wrong attributes to judge a person on. Judge them for their personality, not their looks.

2. THIS IS NOT A NEGATIVE ARTICLE TOWARDS MAKEUP. I love makeup and its something fun which I do to make me happy and it makes me feel comfortable. But it does not conclude the beauty of a person. You may have flawless skin and golden hair and look like a princess, but you could also have the personality of a dried up plum and a negative outlook on life.. Which leads me onto my third and final ramble

3.LOOK PAST THE EXTERIOR APPEARANCE OF AN INDIVIDUAL AND INTO THEIR PERSONALITY. Looks can be deceiving and some of the most beautiful people I have ever known or met, are beautiful more so because of their kind nature.

Confession of Adolescence

Adolescence is a completely confusing thing to embark on regardless of whether it sounds totally typical but, it is truly the start of becoming, well yourself, and we all go through it in different stages which hits us all in completely different ways.

For me this process started with secondary school. I remember walking up to the big green metal gates of my school, all kitted out with a brand new uniform, feeling sophisticated and sleek. When really I still looked like I was at nursery in my bandanna (which covered the entirety of my head), round Harry Potter glasses and black Velcro shoes. Yep. I looked swag. But despite my appearance this was a new curve ball, I had to navigate myself from class to class, learn where all my classes were and get myself into a routine, let alone making new friends, yet somehow I survived. 

I don't remember much of it really. Well of the first day, I just remember my time at secondary school as one of the many steps to discovering who I am because it gave me first hand experience of maturity. Forming relationships, being in charge of my education and my health. It was what I thought a serious time for building my future, which don't get me wrong it is in the form of education. But during this period, I didn't know a future was possible without GCSES, A Levels, Degrees, Masters and so forth. My life was extremely easy, when I look back now. I didn't worry about my physical appearance, money or boys. Or not until I was at least 14. I was more concerned with other things such as books.I used to read so much when I was younger! I found it an easy way to explore, as there were so many genres, characters and worlds. The option choices were fantastic one day you could be in London, the next you could be a vampire (you know because the Twilight Saga was extremely popular and Edward was my bae) or even in a new complex universe and I loved the idea that anything was possible...

You know those words were always drilled into me. Anything is possible and I was a true believer of this at school and I think I truly embraced it. I was not only a massive geek being a Library Monitor, but I was on all of the school sports teams, sang in all the school events such as "insert school names Got Talent" and still went to the park with all my friends on a night. I had the best of both worlds, to quote Hannah Montana. Everything was still a possibility and I loved the ease of it all. 

Anyways to cut things short I left school with 12 A*-C GCSE's and woahhh I worked hard. I revised months in advance and can honestly say that I earned them marks and not only did it give me a great CV, but it got me into college.

College, Not like the american college, but with all the same antics. This was a time where it was apparent that I needed to grow as a person. I somehow changed in college and whether it was for the good or not I'm not so sure, but I struggled a hell of a lot. There were new people all falling into different cliques so naturally like a bee to a flower and I couldn't seem to fit in. I've always been a social butterfly, but it was so hard. We had to chose 4 options and mine were quite different, all in the humanities, but they were hard. Philosophy, English Literature, Religious Studies and Performance Studies and you can see how trying to socialize with all these people made it hard to find a group as they were all so different. The Lit students judged you on whether you read Bronte or John Green, The philosophy students judged you on your knowledge of theories and the Religious students well you can fathom that one out yourself.

I loved Performing the most. The subject taught you about music theory, how to play certain genres and the history behind the music. I became heavily involved within this course and enjoyed it soo much! It was at one point the only reason why I would go to college just so I could stand up and sing.

But even though it was the best course it was sooo hard to form a group because everyone in that class was also so eclectic. You had your Rockers, Punks, Emos, Popular's, Posh and I was never really one of them. So I decided to try and merge all of these int my own person.I dressed in loads of different styles from slutty to punk, dyed my hair blonde and eventually just stuck to wearing jeans and jumpers. 

But it was a time where I started to also discover the power alcohol and oh boy that was a marvelous new phenomenon. I used to take my a randomer's passport who sightly resembled me and go out with the girls, get dolled up and that was a weird thing to first experience. Going out on the town. In a dress, heels, fake tan, trowels worth of makeup looking like an extra from Ru Paul's Drag Race (which to be honest with myself it would be an honour to be able to do my makeup as good as those girls) and learning new things about life. It wasn't just alcohol which I embarked it was the empowered feeling I got from my new found confidence, it was how people would look at me differently and people from all walks of life talked to me and honestly it made the hangovers worth it. I started to meet new people, have a bunch of new friends and this was all from Town. But I'm not saying drinking yourself silly is the only option, but for me it was an open window to a new form of freedom, in the sense that I was in complete control over my time, my outfit, my food and drink and in general myself. It was a time where I was free from restrictions and I enjoyed that. The idyllic view of adulthood in which I was free and had no restraints. But that was not a true reflection of it at all especially three years down the line..

I am currently a 20 year old student who does not know her direction in life and to be honest its extremely hard. Yes uni is amazing and I'll do another post on my experience, but my second year was as hard as hammering a nail into a wall with a teddy bear and this is regardless of my studies. I had my own house which I shared with two other people, who I love but in the same compact tiny city house.. not so much, haha! But in all honesty the house came with so many different aspects of life which have taught me responsibilities which confused me such as bills. I understood that nothing comes free, but holy moly, I did not understand the true cost of a home. I mean we have to pay for water... what is that? And electricity is extremely expensive. There was a few times I thought of investing in a hamster wheel and running in it just to save a bit. And to be honest it would've helped me loose a few pounds. Shame I didn't follow this through! Haha! But also living in a clean environment.

All these years whilst being at school and college I was so annoyed because my mum made me do things for myself such as make my own pack lunch one or day or hoover one weekend or dust, or iron (you get the drift) but she did this to teach me that these little jobs which seemed pointless to me at the time are necessary in keeping myself organised and prepared for what life through at me. I realized whilst being in my own home how important this is as without this organisation, I wouldn't be able to function. For example; without all my clothes hung in a wardrobe I wouldn't know where my clothes were which would essentially make me fret over where something was which would create a massive floordrobe and a catastrophic drama which turned my lovely morning into a mess and rush to find what I needed, get to uni with all the right equipment, etc.

But this was such a shock because its a part of adolescence, not the money which is behind it all in the background but learning how to cope with situations, providing for yourself and along with that bettering myself through the process. I needed these little things to understand what adulthood feels like. It is about experience, learning about yourself and realising that we go through hardships to come out as stronger, more thoughtful and upgraded versions of ourselves. It's about being responsible with yourself and surroundings. It is an emotional rollercoaster and yes its cheesy as hell but it is. And there are other things which we all should take into consideration as well. Puberty, Body Confidence, Health.. But I'll come onto these in later Blogs. 

The whole idea of becoming an adult is an extremely daunting subject. And each day I'm learning and probably will continue to do so until I am 80. Nobody ever wants to grow up. Us 90's children love watching disney, taking photos and remembering that one song that reminded us of that one time because being an adult is hard and it is the little things which help us process the development.

So I would like to proclaim my three Confessions of Adolesenece:

1. School and College/ High School can be nerve wrecking, scary and daunting, but with support from family, friends and general loved ones you will get through it no matter what. You need to just relax and be yourself.
2. Life is hard. People will show you how life is a learning curb by loving and hurting you. But we grow from experience and need failures to succeed.
3. We all will have responsibilities in our lives and we need to face them with pride and dilligence. If you work hard you will become whatever you want to be.