.

I lie awake at night for hours and hours hoping for a sign or an explanation but it never comes. In a Godless society full of debauchery and unexplainable pain it's hard to even fathom the existence of a being so ultimately good who understands why these plights are occurring.

Sat in the dark I replay every single awkward moment I have ever experienced and reflect on their impact within not only my timeline but the people who it may have affected any action which I might have taken and feel so deeply apologetic.

I just don't understand why at the moment I feel so trapped, yet completely lost and so stuck into a routine, yet so deep in responsibilities that I feel like I'm drowning and so alone.

I wish I could offer an interesting post to the whole 1 follower whom I have, but I can't and I am so sorry to you.

All I can say is that right now I feel like theirs a heavy weight on my chest which is immovable. It's heavy, a nuisance and completely unshakable. Whatever this feeling is it's constantly there hovering over me and sometimes I do feel like it's just me. I should stop being over dramatic, so I put on my makeup do my hair, anything to make me feel any better but it just makes me feel so fake. I'm surely lying to myself.

Yet to speak up about this horrid feeling is to many an attention seeking mechanism, but I would like to insist it truly is not.

When you have no hope you see no future and with no future you have no desire to further yourself. Even if you know you can do or try better theirs this constant niggling in your brain telling you you're not even worth it. You're stupid, so why fight it.

What this is basically is an explanation as to why I have not posted anything in a while and it is also a public rant which no one will see and that's ok. I just needed this off my chest. At least it's one less weight on me.

I just feel so empty, lost and so much grief and I shouldn't. I have no reason to feel this way. I have a loving family and perfect friends and a dog who lights up when she sees me walk through the door. But I'm so sick of plastering on this fake smile and answering "I'm fine" when truly, I feel weak and constantly tired.

I understand this is just a phase that's happening  and I will get through it. But I would just like to apologise for the non inspiring and positive theme of this message. To anyone who reads this who feels the same please turn to someone who will listen or even a GP (your personal doctor) because you can get through it. Just at this present moment it seems hard and hopeless, but that's ok. It's part of being human.

So I'm sorry for the lack on inspiration. I could really use a miracle right now.

P.S. The worst and hardest part of this whole message is to take my own advice.

"Exercise"-ing my right to Happiness

It's the fourth of August and I'm dripping head to toe from the rain. I can smell a combination of wet hair and sweat. I can feel the rubbery surface of the AstroTurf through my wet ankle socks and I'm about to put my beautiful spikes on.  And you know what? I'm feeling powerful as fuck. 

My names Bethan and I have a confession to make. I have a serious addiction to sprinting. Yes you heard right. Sprinting. 

For the whole twenty years of my life I have continuously battled with this sport of being either forced to go or wanting too but I've been to lazy so I've finally got hooked again and I knew it had happened from as soon as I stepped onto the track... I had a warm sensation which wasn't my thighs burning from the pain or thought of exercise, but that feeling that you get when you know you've done something good for yourself and I get it everytime. 

During my teenage years I was an avid sports player and at school I was involved in most of the teams. I was a netball player, playing centre or wing attack, I played hockey usually as a centre forward, I was a bowler on the cricket team, (funny that Ey? Haha), I did athletics of all kinds, cross country etc the list goes on but I loved sport and it always has been a passion of mine. Being part of a team made me feel so happy and loved and well my competitive side which needed to be fed was also satisfied... But my one true love was running for my hometown and county. 

And it has truly been my one true love, there's been times where it's the only reason why I get out of bed in the morning and also times where I've hit a rocky path with it such as training and not getting the goals which I aimed for. But I have truly worked hard at this sport in general and since moving home my love has rekindled for it, but in a different nature. 

I (now) am addicted to it as it genuinely makes me feel so happy. I've never been so proud of myself and to be honest it makes me a better person. It has given me goals to achieve, such as faster times, higher fitness levels and such high ambitions throughout the whole of my life, ensuring to me that I should continue with my education! 

Not only has it done all that, it has also given me the confidence to make changes with parts of my life which I didn't even know needed to be fixed until I realised how unhealthy they are. 

I am a happier and healthier person for running and I'm so proud of myself. 

I don't give myself enough credit but I can now juggle a social life, work, healthy eating and seeing my boyfriend and to me that's a big achievement considering how low I have been feeling. 

But all of that aside I do have a negative comment to write as if I didn't we all know that this wouldn't be true to my blog... 

But in the worlds of Rachel Ballinger.. DO YOU KNOW WHAT PISSES ME OFF? 

The fact that if I post anything at all to do with my progress, my exercising, my gym clothes, my food people seem to think it's annoying or have sly comments to make. Why is this necessary? We all are different and we all should be able to express our opinions but why so negatively! 

If I want to post a picture of my chicken salad which I have so exquisitely presented to make it more edible to me, I will because God damn it, it looks tasty and I'm proud that I've ate this, rather than beans on toast! 

I mean if a guy did exactly the same posts he'd be hot or inspirational but if a girl does it she's insane! But hey ho. My rant is over. 

So yeh that's it for today. And here's a recap, I'm happy, I'm exercising and have he most beautiful support network of friends and family. Also as a shoutout to sisterhood of silver! You have supported me yet you barely know me so thank you for all your wonderful comments and support without your lovely blog my life would be boring! 

So here's my final confessions. 

1. Do whatever makes you happy. What makes me happy is camomile and maple tea after a sprinting session, but that may be completely different to you. But even if it is it doesn't matter because to be absolutely normal would be an absolute tragedy. Which leads me to my second point...

2. Follow your own path, make it completely and truly individualistic and true to yourself. Whatever your goal is you can do it. Mine was to be happy and I will try to sustain it, because I know that I may have rough days. But this one small thing I do does make me feel so much better. 

3. Ignore people who will drag you down. You need to pull an arrow backwards so that it can propel towards its goal. Or in simple terms. People are bitches, and try to start trouble and cause crap for everyone. Just remember to do what's best for your own happiness and wellbeing. But don't hurt others in the process.