Confession of Adolescence

Adolescence is a completely confusing thing to embark on regardless of whether it sounds totally typical but, it is truly the start of becoming, well yourself, and we all go through it in different stages which hits us all in completely different ways.

For me this process started with secondary school. I remember walking up to the big green metal gates of my school, all kitted out with a brand new uniform, feeling sophisticated and sleek. When really I still looked like I was at nursery in my bandanna (which covered the entirety of my head), round Harry Potter glasses and black Velcro shoes. Yep. I looked swag. But despite my appearance this was a new curve ball, I had to navigate myself from class to class, learn where all my classes were and get myself into a routine, let alone making new friends, yet somehow I survived. 

I don't remember much of it really. Well of the first day, I just remember my time at secondary school as one of the many steps to discovering who I am because it gave me first hand experience of maturity. Forming relationships, being in charge of my education and my health. It was what I thought a serious time for building my future, which don't get me wrong it is in the form of education. But during this period, I didn't know a future was possible without GCSES, A Levels, Degrees, Masters and so forth. My life was extremely easy, when I look back now. I didn't worry about my physical appearance, money or boys. Or not until I was at least 14. I was more concerned with other things such as books.I used to read so much when I was younger! I found it an easy way to explore, as there were so many genres, characters and worlds. The option choices were fantastic one day you could be in London, the next you could be a vampire (you know because the Twilight Saga was extremely popular and Edward was my bae) or even in a new complex universe and I loved the idea that anything was possible...

You know those words were always drilled into me. Anything is possible and I was a true believer of this at school and I think I truly embraced it. I was not only a massive geek being a Library Monitor, but I was on all of the school sports teams, sang in all the school events such as "insert school names Got Talent" and still went to the park with all my friends on a night. I had the best of both worlds, to quote Hannah Montana. Everything was still a possibility and I loved the ease of it all. 

Anyways to cut things short I left school with 12 A*-C GCSE's and woahhh I worked hard. I revised months in advance and can honestly say that I earned them marks and not only did it give me a great CV, but it got me into college.

College, Not like the american college, but with all the same antics. This was a time where it was apparent that I needed to grow as a person. I somehow changed in college and whether it was for the good or not I'm not so sure, but I struggled a hell of a lot. There were new people all falling into different cliques so naturally like a bee to a flower and I couldn't seem to fit in. I've always been a social butterfly, but it was so hard. We had to chose 4 options and mine were quite different, all in the humanities, but they were hard. Philosophy, English Literature, Religious Studies and Performance Studies and you can see how trying to socialize with all these people made it hard to find a group as they were all so different. The Lit students judged you on whether you read Bronte or John Green, The philosophy students judged you on your knowledge of theories and the Religious students well you can fathom that one out yourself.

I loved Performing the most. The subject taught you about music theory, how to play certain genres and the history behind the music. I became heavily involved within this course and enjoyed it soo much! It was at one point the only reason why I would go to college just so I could stand up and sing.

But even though it was the best course it was sooo hard to form a group because everyone in that class was also so eclectic. You had your Rockers, Punks, Emos, Popular's, Posh and I was never really one of them. So I decided to try and merge all of these int my own person.I dressed in loads of different styles from slutty to punk, dyed my hair blonde and eventually just stuck to wearing jeans and jumpers. 

But it was a time where I started to also discover the power alcohol and oh boy that was a marvelous new phenomenon. I used to take my a randomer's passport who sightly resembled me and go out with the girls, get dolled up and that was a weird thing to first experience. Going out on the town. In a dress, heels, fake tan, trowels worth of makeup looking like an extra from Ru Paul's Drag Race (which to be honest with myself it would be an honour to be able to do my makeup as good as those girls) and learning new things about life. It wasn't just alcohol which I embarked it was the empowered feeling I got from my new found confidence, it was how people would look at me differently and people from all walks of life talked to me and honestly it made the hangovers worth it. I started to meet new people, have a bunch of new friends and this was all from Town. But I'm not saying drinking yourself silly is the only option, but for me it was an open window to a new form of freedom, in the sense that I was in complete control over my time, my outfit, my food and drink and in general myself. It was a time where I was free from restrictions and I enjoyed that. The idyllic view of adulthood in which I was free and had no restraints. But that was not a true reflection of it at all especially three years down the line..

I am currently a 20 year old student who does not know her direction in life and to be honest its extremely hard. Yes uni is amazing and I'll do another post on my experience, but my second year was as hard as hammering a nail into a wall with a teddy bear and this is regardless of my studies. I had my own house which I shared with two other people, who I love but in the same compact tiny city house.. not so much, haha! But in all honesty the house came with so many different aspects of life which have taught me responsibilities which confused me such as bills. I understood that nothing comes free, but holy moly, I did not understand the true cost of a home. I mean we have to pay for water... what is that? And electricity is extremely expensive. There was a few times I thought of investing in a hamster wheel and running in it just to save a bit. And to be honest it would've helped me loose a few pounds. Shame I didn't follow this through! Haha! But also living in a clean environment.

All these years whilst being at school and college I was so annoyed because my mum made me do things for myself such as make my own pack lunch one or day or hoover one weekend or dust, or iron (you get the drift) but she did this to teach me that these little jobs which seemed pointless to me at the time are necessary in keeping myself organised and prepared for what life through at me. I realized whilst being in my own home how important this is as without this organisation, I wouldn't be able to function. For example; without all my clothes hung in a wardrobe I wouldn't know where my clothes were which would essentially make me fret over where something was which would create a massive floordrobe and a catastrophic drama which turned my lovely morning into a mess and rush to find what I needed, get to uni with all the right equipment, etc.

But this was such a shock because its a part of adolescence, not the money which is behind it all in the background but learning how to cope with situations, providing for yourself and along with that bettering myself through the process. I needed these little things to understand what adulthood feels like. It is about experience, learning about yourself and realising that we go through hardships to come out as stronger, more thoughtful and upgraded versions of ourselves. It's about being responsible with yourself and surroundings. It is an emotional rollercoaster and yes its cheesy as hell but it is. And there are other things which we all should take into consideration as well. Puberty, Body Confidence, Health.. But I'll come onto these in later Blogs. 

The whole idea of becoming an adult is an extremely daunting subject. And each day I'm learning and probably will continue to do so until I am 80. Nobody ever wants to grow up. Us 90's children love watching disney, taking photos and remembering that one song that reminded us of that one time because being an adult is hard and it is the little things which help us process the development.

So I would like to proclaim my three Confessions of Adolesenece:

1. School and College/ High School can be nerve wrecking, scary and daunting, but with support from family, friends and general loved ones you will get through it no matter what. You need to just relax and be yourself.
2. Life is hard. People will show you how life is a learning curb by loving and hurting you. But we grow from experience and need failures to succeed.
3. We all will have responsibilities in our lives and we need to face them with pride and dilligence. If you work hard you will become whatever you want to be.