Content with being content

Well everyone it's a new year and definitely it seems like a new me as cliche as it sounds. It's a bizarre statement but it truly is..

I seem to have turned myself around, completely turned over a new leaf and I'm happy that I have! 

Life is not dramatic, it's not like a scene from a movie and that's ok isn't it?

I wake up every morning surrounded by my family who love me, friends just a click away and excitement for the possible future! 

To be content and excited by different things, that's how life's supposed be! 

it's just slowly passing by like watching a leaf fall from a tree in Autumn. Passive and beautifully calming. 

Since 2015 ended I wanted to be a better version of myself and although I do slip off the bandwagon (as most girls do) I truly believe that I'm a better me. 

I exercise a little bit, could do abit more but it happens, I eat healthily when it's available to me provided by carte de fam a lam and I've found a beautiful love with Nietzsche and his work, not so much the content but his presentation of arguments and Ahhhh I'll get into this another time! But it's amazing! And I'm happy! Also I really enjoy reading in general. There seems to never be a cuppa or a book long enough to warm the cockle of my heart, but that's life! Nothing lasts forever, but it can make life seem so much fuller! 

But towards the regards of love, there's no one who seems to give me a special sparkle or my heart skip a beat better than my family friends and my little pup! It's all I need! 

So there you go future me! I hope you look back and realise that this boring period, was one of the best! Because, well it just was! 

2015: The Main Emotion

2015 was a big year. A terrifying one full of heartbreak, failures and a loss of direction for me personally. It was a year where I truly lost, learned and loved in many different ways. And honestly I look at the year and regret many decisions I made...

It has truly been a journey which I have had to deal with. I've been through in all honesty a complete battle with myself, my purpose and what truly matters and I'm not entirely sure what the resolution is. I understand that I as a person have something in my life and have to do something but I'm not quite sure what that is.. Or what I truly do want.

I've battled with myself a long time and it is tiring.

But it has also a turning point. I grew a backbone, started to understand that to be me, I have to be true to myself not be a push over, because to be truly honest, I started to look in the mirror and not recognize myself. I saw fear, anger, gluttony and ugliness.

I do have that gnawing feeling of darkness which creeps up, but I generally reverse it and look for the alternative. So during the end of the year I started to understand pain and use it to inspire hope, use it to push myself that slight bit further and it helped.

Loneliness however is a constant feeling which I have accrued since returning home. People are not always there like they promise and although its lovely to be surrounded by family, its quite clear to see that you have very few people in life who bother once you're not within a 3 mile radius.

"But baby thats life" and maybe that is a lesson which I have learned. That people who truly care will bother.

So here's my confessions:
1. Social media gives a false impression of people who love and support you. Although you have many people as contacts, most of them just want to see what you are up to but not be involved.
2. So be true to who you are. Find happiness within the things which move you and educate you, despite of what ridicule you may recieve
3. Love the ones who persist with you even through your dark periods. As they are the ones who will still love you despite the possible pain you are feeling or have caused. 
4. Forgiveness takes time and space. Once people have understood both sides of a story they will come forward and be there. 

Confessions of Happiness.

What is happiness? 

Does it occur through emotions, or is it innate? 

Is it something which can be attained by all or do we have to earn it? 

All of these questions are completely valid and it is something which has truly  put my life into perspective. Because currently as an optimistic person I'm struggling to find the positives, therefore I'm attempting to do some basic research to decipher, what it truly is. 

So What is Happiness? 

Happiness is an individualistic and intrinsic feeling to possess which can be acquired to all through different mediums, but it is our own personal experiences which make us feel the raw energy of the emotion.

The definition of Happiness is  "An emotional state of overall well being"... But I believe there's so much more to it than that. I believe that happiness has so many different layers which we simply cannot obtain through one form or realm.

Is it Innate?

Everything has an initial starting point, a spark which then has a catalyst of experiences which occur from that moment. A runner stands at the starting line, but they need the power and urge to continue the race and finish it. Just like happiness. We need to want to be happy to be able to achieve happiness.

Does this insinuate that it is innate. Absolutely fucking not. But we need to be able to picture and imagine happiness, and personally the idea of achieving it (to me) is innate.

I believe that they're are many layers of happiness.. There's emotional, physical, spiritual and educational sections within human nature and it is these which all have a need for happiness. We as human beings are creatures of desires and within these desires we feel a necessity to achieve an overall state of euphoria, the opitomy of happiness and if we eclectically combine all of these individual sections and attain happiness within them all, it is then when we can achieve this. 

-But we need to be willing to the commitment of exercising them properly, rather than having excessive amounts of happiness in one category in comparison to another.

But is it truly achievable? Can humans truly attain this perfect happy state?

Utilitarianism always springs to mind when I think about happiness as peoples morality seems to conflict with it depending on whether it is under the act or rule category.

Act utilitarianism is a theory hypothesized by Jeremy Bentham which takes on the aspect of hedonism and our abilities to understand pleasure and categorise them into an order which would appease the individual most; whilst Rule utilitarianism is a progressed version which looks at achieving happiness to the masses and to be honest...I do not believe we can truly make everyone happy in order to achieve our own personal state of euphoria. 

I look at utilitarianism and see the guidelines of the "Rule" and believe that these are the most appealing. They acquire positives for the masses and on paper it seems the most attractive but in regards to reality, this is impossible. 

As humans we are slaves to our instincts, we love gluttonous behaviour to feed our basic needs, wants and desires and have a natural urges to do so. I mean look at our current subculture of technology, we feel the urge to express our emotions, share pictures of our new possessions over social media and change our appearance to conform to public approval and we are all guilty of this.. It for some reason makes us feel fulfilled. But not all of us conform to this, which to many seems strange but take us back 3-4 decades we never had the ability to do so,

But after ranting I will ever so rapidly return to my idea of Utilitarianism and how it effects our happiness.

We are selfish creatures of indulgence, who aspire to having more than we possibly need. Therefore we sometimes do not see that what we have in front of us and how it is perfectly ample for fulfilling our happiness and sometimes people get hurt, but is this the way to live? I believe that it isn't and we should not hurt others to attain what we truly want.

We are, as far as we have discovered, the most intellectual creatures on this earth and have developed moral codes, rules and laws which we abide by and I truly believe that when we aim to achieve happiness we should not damage or hurt another human just to attain our end goal. So respectively decline the basic ideas of act utilitarianism.

Can we all Achieve Happiness?

If we want to be truly happy yes appease your basic needs but do not use hate filled methods in doing so. Be true to yourself and honest to find what you truly want.

Aristotle once said that "it is not one swallow or fine day that makes a spring, so it is not a day or a short time that makes a man blessed and happy.." And I truly agree with this.

Yes happiness can be felt throughout life at different periods through different mediums such as emotions, items, etc. But we truly need to be positive in order to attain it, and through this positivity we should reflect it onto the world and others.

Do not project hatred and anger as it never does anyone any good. Especially yourself. Set yourself goals which you can achieve and work hard in order to be able to do what yo want to do, and remember that if you're having a bad day, you get a brand new chance to start again with tomorrow. 

Jekyll and Hyde

I watched him with the same eyes a few months ago and saw a completely different person as to what I see before me now... It's true you know. What they say. Do not. And I repeat DO NOT judge a book by its cover. 

I thought that he was a sarcastic arrogant and egotistical male who walked with a little too much confidence because hell. He knew he was good looking. The typical dark tall and handsome kind. The kind of man who seems to know the world and will shove all of the knowledge which he has attained into your long term memory...But I was wrong.

Have you ever met someone and realised that your perception of them is a complete and utter lie? As if all former knowledge about a person which you accrewed based on one negative experience is so inaccurate? Well I have and I am truly sorry and regret that prior judgement. 

Because sometimes you meet people and like I said in my previous blog they surprise you. And I do believe that you must see someone on more than one occasion to truly know who they are and to perceive an unbiased image of them because people are soo weird. Human kind is truly complex, fascinating but completely and utterly bonkers.

We as a race survive through adaptation and I am a full supporter of Darwins evolutionary theory. The human race has evolved into a new species from a previous state to maintain, survive and overcome any obstacle set before us. I mean look at yourself right now and look into your palm at the tiny contraption of intricately composed metal.  The whole concept of you having almost a universe full of potential, power and knowledge at your fingertips is ridiculous but you do...

We have created objects such as this smartphone to aid us with our progression it involves us with one another, makes us sustain relationships we never thought we could and envelopes our minds. 

But although as a species we have evolved in so many amazing ways (and I mean fucking amazing ways Intellectually) we still have our basic ways such as eating drinking etc to survive and our social status. 

And this horrendously off topic ramble brings me back to the idea of human behaviour and our abilities to survive. I truly believe that as a race we adapt socially to fit our environment. And that is what he did. That guy who I originally hated, he did that. 

Around other males he's a lads lad. Full of banter, wanting to pull and just came across as general dick and it's natural. As a social species we like to be around others as it grounds us and educates us in what's proper social conduct...

But with him he's confusing and different and that's what makes him, well him. 

I met him properly sat down had a conversation one on one and I truly appreciated what I saw before me. A male who was educated, had interests, opinions and knows how to dress. 

He let me into a tiny part of his brain and as he was telling me about how he loves to cook Italian, I saw a kind heart as cheesy as it sounds and I could hear a soft voice which was untainted by the loud noise of interruptions from another drunkard. I saw who he was and connected to something which was there so deeply hidden and protected by this lad ego and I saw someone who genuinely made my stomach feel like there were butterflies just casually there. 

But a day later I sat down with him in a room full of testosterone and noticed how much of him had slipped away. His kindness had flaked away into a bitter seeming scowl and his enthusiasm turned into boredom and it was upsetting. 

It was as if a light had been switched off and he was empty. A shell of a person compared to the fantastic attraction of honesty and compassion which he portrayed the day before. Like a completely different person. Like Jekyll and Hyde. 

I wanted to know that intriguing person who let me into his world not this one who has let the spark burn out.  

But maybe this was his coping mechanism from the harsh reality of life, I'm not sure. But it saddened me thinking how little of himself he truly knew and the potential which he held before him. 

He is truly unique and I don't think he should ever not know that. His tendencies to flitter between emotions anger me but his ability to care and learn astound me. 

He truly is remarkable. And I appreciated the man which I once knew from that one chance meeting because I accidentally started to fall for him. This person I barely knew. I wanted to know him and it's a fucking crazy statement to make but honest. I wanted to know the man behind the current reflection. Because he was and is a better person than what he hides behind. 

But now to conclude its confession time no infact it's me asking for a favour from you and you know who you are. 

1. Please understand that as a person you are so much more than what you give yourself credit for. You are an amazing person with more to you than the incessantly boring aim to get drunk 24/7. You are an intellectual with a fab personality and you should realise that I like you more when your who you are, rather than being someone your not. Even if this means showing your so called flaws. I like all your flaws because they make you well you. 

2. Sticking to the constraints of social situations is beneath you and you know it. Don't follow the crowd

3. Please take me camping under the stars so we can just get to know each other. 

SURPRISE!!!!!

People within life will continually choose to surprise you and whether that's in a negative way or a positive way. It will happen. 

Because people are crazy, random intuitive beings who will follow the slight inclination of natural instinct. It's genetics and it's an evolutionary process which has never left us. It's the tiny part of our animalistic character which will stick with us as we need it to protect ourselves, the human race and our need to survive. 

But why does it affect us in such an empathetic sense to ditur us from certain feelings? Or why does it block us from staying with the sensible safe option and encourage us to move past our boundaries? This could be financially, career wise or emotionally...

I ask this question because humanity has its flaws and it's undeniable of how we seem to not be able to attain stability within certain areas of our lives and in reflection to my first statement, we are extremely surprising. 

People change and circumstances change. We learn new characteristics about the ones we thought were once close to us and it surprises us, we'll it definitely surprises me. 

The way how one person can seem so perfect in one aspect, yet unwilling to change in another. It's scary and it's made me choose a different action and surprise even myself in a negative way because well, I didn't want it to happen. It just did. 

What I'm trying to say is that I fell out of love. And I grieve for what once was, it seems unfathomable to pick up the pieces and start again because my life is different and his life is different but I still love him and respect him. But my heart yearns for more than just a distant memory. It yearns for something new. 

I have new passions, new interests and I've gained a new love and as vain as it sounds for myself. I've learnt that I need to respect myself in order to attain stability, and I cannot do this by putting all my focus on someone else. I need to carry on with my education and if I do find someone else not become so enveloped with their life that I forget about my own. And it's not his fault. 

It's completely mine. I was selfish the whole way through as I needed something which I never realised could come from myself, so I became head over heels involved in him as it was a distraction from my own problems which landed me in a dark hole of despair. 

So yes people will surprise you, but you will surprise yourself more. And this is my one and only confession. I am going to be my own person. And that scares me but I need to make individual options which will benefit myself and my future. 

Sometimes you need to hurt yourself on the short term to realise what is best for you on the future. As it will get better. 

Days of Debauchery...

I have read avorously for the majority of my life a wide variety of novels, poetry and articles which have described many things within human experiences which are untouchable to the general public and have experienced many things which have also attained this same status. 

This status which I am referring to is the idea of breaking the mould of comfortability and stepping into the unknown. And I recently have encountered a novel which truly made me feel an eclectic amount of emotions and this my friends is a novel named Days of Debauchery by George Neary.

This is a novel which is truly unique and exempt from your typical read because it has no need to draw you in with contentious statements or profound illusions, but in fact brings you down to a completely new level of articulation through its complete and utter honesty. 

If you are looking for a read which will warm the cockles of your heart then look elsewhere because this book feels as if you are being directly spoken too as in individual. Almost as if you are in the mind of a mad man who is reflecting on an action from every angle. 

The way the novel was constructed is quite clearly an example of this as it was not just a recollection of events but a piece of art, the way the chapters were placed, the language, it was all specifically chosen to demonstrate the writers personality which is damaged. But It is from this where the beauty lies and it almost reminded me of a cracked mirror that once broken cannot be fixed, but gains its beauty from its lack of normality and entirety. The fact that yes the glass IS splintered, but it will never be what it once was... My whole life I have seen beauty in faults and this novel personifies it.

I will not disclose any particular parts of the book as I feel that to do so would not give justice to it but what I can tell you is the emotions which I felt from reading it and the main feeling I got was a sense of relief. 

This book is a confession of sins and its brutality reflects its truth. It's simple statements, blunt sentences and vulgar language makes it hard hitting and almost gives you pangs of reality. 

I read this book and felt a strange connection to the similarities which I have faced in my life as has the author and it made me uncomfortable. It's ability to connect to something within me made me feel dirty and unclean and reminisce from times where I have been so low and have done inconceivable things to attain what I want. But I did so in regards to other matters not so much debauchery. 

What it also made me feel was a deeper understanding of the author, because I know him ever so slightly and have grown to love him as a cheery, optimistic man. And whenever I was around him I felt nothing but positivity, health and vibrancy but in reality he was and still is battling with so many different factors within his life, and has done so many things which I believed such an outwardly fantastic person could not. 

And to be honest I am deeply sorry for judging him to be the carefree soul he appears because, he's been through hell and has been broken. It's just so bizarre to me to have this insight to his life and it takes a strong person to tell another about his hardship let alone an audience of unknowing spectators. 

What I'm trying to say is. This book is real. And will connect to you in some way. Give it a read, you need to engorge yourself in the dirt sometimes because the things which strike a chord are the most intriguing. 

"Exercise"-ing my right to Happiness

It's the fourth of August and I'm dripping head to toe from the rain. I can smell a combination of wet hair and sweat. I can feel the rubbery surface of the AstroTurf through my wet ankle socks and I'm about to put my beautiful spikes on.  And you know what? I'm feeling powerful as fuck. 

My names Bethan and I have a confession to make. I have a serious addiction to sprinting. Yes you heard right. Sprinting. 

For the whole twenty years of my life I have continuously battled with this sport of being either forced to go or wanting too but I've been to lazy so I've finally got hooked again and I knew it had happened from as soon as I stepped onto the track... I had a warm sensation which wasn't my thighs burning from the pain or thought of exercise, but that feeling that you get when you know you've done something good for yourself and I get it everytime. 

During my teenage years I was an avid sports player and at school I was involved in most of the teams. I was a netball player, playing centre or wing attack, I played hockey usually as a centre forward, I was a bowler on the cricket team, (funny that Ey? Haha), I did athletics of all kinds, cross country etc the list goes on but I loved sport and it always has been a passion of mine. Being part of a team made me feel so happy and loved and well my competitive side which needed to be fed was also satisfied... But my one true love was running for my hometown and county. 

And it has truly been my one true love, there's been times where it's the only reason why I get out of bed in the morning and also times where I've hit a rocky path with it such as training and not getting the goals which I aimed for. But I have truly worked hard at this sport in general and since moving home my love has rekindled for it, but in a different nature. 

I (now) am addicted to it as it genuinely makes me feel so happy. I've never been so proud of myself and to be honest it makes me a better person. It has given me goals to achieve, such as faster times, higher fitness levels and such high ambitions throughout the whole of my life, ensuring to me that I should continue with my education! 

Not only has it done all that, it has also given me the confidence to make changes with parts of my life which I didn't even know needed to be fixed until I realised how unhealthy they are. 

I am a happier and healthier person for running and I'm so proud of myself. 

I don't give myself enough credit but I can now juggle a social life, work, healthy eating and seeing my boyfriend and to me that's a big achievement considering how low I have been feeling. 

But all of that aside I do have a negative comment to write as if I didn't we all know that this wouldn't be true to my blog... 

But in the worlds of Rachel Ballinger.. DO YOU KNOW WHAT PISSES ME OFF? 

The fact that if I post anything at all to do with my progress, my exercising, my gym clothes, my food people seem to think it's annoying or have sly comments to make. Why is this necessary? We all are different and we all should be able to express our opinions but why so negatively! 

If I want to post a picture of my chicken salad which I have so exquisitely presented to make it more edible to me, I will because God damn it, it looks tasty and I'm proud that I've ate this, rather than beans on toast! 

I mean if a guy did exactly the same posts he'd be hot or inspirational but if a girl does it she's insane! But hey ho. My rant is over. 

So yeh that's it for today. And here's a recap, I'm happy, I'm exercising and have he most beautiful support network of friends and family. Also as a shoutout to sisterhood of silver! You have supported me yet you barely know me so thank you for all your wonderful comments and support without your lovely blog my life would be boring! 

So here's my final confessions. 

1. Do whatever makes you happy. What makes me happy is camomile and maple tea after a sprinting session, but that may be completely different to you. But even if it is it doesn't matter because to be absolutely normal would be an absolute tragedy. Which leads me to my second point...

2. Follow your own path, make it completely and truly individualistic and true to yourself. Whatever your goal is you can do it. Mine was to be happy and I will try to sustain it, because I know that I may have rough days. But this one small thing I do does make me feel so much better. 

3. Ignore people who will drag you down. You need to pull an arrow backwards so that it can propel towards its goal. Or in simple terms. People are bitches, and try to start trouble and cause crap for everyone. Just remember to do what's best for your own happiness and wellbeing. But don't hurt others in the process.