Fake Friends.

I'm fake because I have coloured hair, I put trowels of makeup on and I tell people I'm fine, when in all honesty I feel horrendous. 

I hide behind a persona of an individual who is confident and sublimely happy as it is easier than to admit when I am in pain.

But if you ask me a simple question  or point out a miss-doing that has happened on my behalf I will respond honestly and truthfully and I'll apologise and accept when I'm wrong.

I have made many ill decisions in my life regarding of whom I trust, who I let into my life and who I regard as friends. 

So when I wish you the best I mean it sincerely. But do not try to come crawling back into my life after treating me like dirt dragged in from outside. 

I deserve more than that and our happy memories deserve more than that. Don't tarnish them with harsh words and bitterness. 

Remember you pick up the pieces of a broken mirror and place them back, but you'll inevitably leave behind shards and it will never be complete again.

Adulting

Life throws unexpected curve balls at each and every one of us at some point within our existence and they say that how we recuperate and bounce back is part of defining an individuals character.

So it has been two months since I was told that my education has been terminated and within them two months one of them has been spent trying battling the decision, the other has been accepting this transitional phase of my life and it has come with great consequences. One being thrown into a new world of organised terror and another one of an uncomfortable change. I have to officially become an adult.

This may sound absurd, but this path was not one which I expected.

My goal was to go to university get a 2:2, graduate, do a PGCE, become a teacher and do something which bettered myself and gave me a purpose, but now... I have to become an adult. Straight away. Make decisions on which job I should accept, one with more pay but needs excessive amount of travelling everyday, or one which seems menial and quite honestly soul crushing.
Another is saving up money so I can afford my own home whether its renting or buying, I refuse to live with my mother for another year as I am adult, I should leave the nest.

But what is really getting to me, is how slowly this time is approaching. I start working at a well known phone company within a week and I am neither thrilled, nor excited about this. It should be making me jump for joy that I got my first adult job in the first adult interview and that in itself is an accomplishment, but I just feel numb.

Is this what it is like now, the adult world. A sensation of routine and the constant feeling of normality that is so mind numbingly boring. Is this it for me now?

As I am already extremely tired of it. And to be perfectly honest I feel numb to everything and everyone around me. Life is passing by so slowly and each passing hour feels like an eternity.

I would just like to know why this journey in life has come to this road and what else it has in store for me. I just don't know anything with certainty anymore and this makes me feel in all honesty. Numb

Here's to New Beginnings.. Cheers

I tried my hardest. I can honestly say I fought until the end I have given my all. 

I've given blood, sweat and tears even my hairs falling out.

Ive given all of my time and effort, every inch of my soul and yet it wasn't good enough. 

And to me that's ok. 

Right now life just seems like a dark path, with no hope for joy. 

I have moments of feeling fine, then other times of feeling completely and utterly broken.

Almost as if I am grieving what was to be. 

I had a career path. 

I had opportunity, I had planned and mapped out my entire life. 

My life goals were to get a degree, get a home, fall in love.

Right now I'm hitting  non of the above criteria. 

And it was not due to lack of care, trying or commitment. 

All I can do now is to take a deep breath and look at my other options.

Right now I need to look after myself.

I'm merging on psychotic behaviour being so grieved and hurt from what's been taken away from me. 

I feel so sick all the time that I feel like I'm going to throw up all over.

It's as if I'm sinking right now. 

But all I can say is I went with a fight. 

All that is left now is a broken soul, a patchy scalp and a broken phone. 

But from all this hurt and anger and loss I've realised that all though I have no materialistic things of my own; I no longer have the opportunity to pursue my desired career path and that I now am extremely depressed and suffering from self doubt is that...

I have the most amazing family and supportive friends in the world. Who I love so dearly and could never imagine living without you all. I love you all so much and couldn't imagine a world without you in it, so I apologise for being so difficult during my mental breakdown and for all of you, I will get through this one way or another.. 

So thankyou for everything. I miss and love you all so so much. I'm sorry for locking myself away it's just so much easier sometimes to hide.

But I know now not to bottle it up. 

And also to New Beginnings ey? Let's all cheers to that! 

Goodnight and God Bless 

I'm going down with a fight

You sometimes may hit bumps on the road.
You may be told some information that could physically tear you down and make you feel so destroyed that you question your own worth.
But do not, I repeat do not EVER let it destroy you.

Whatever the outcome, whatever the possibility. If there is a 1% chance of succeeding or 99% chance of succeeding. You fight for it.

Because at the end of the day, if it was worth starting, it's at least worth all the hard work and effort you put into it to KEEP GOING.

At the end of the day you've got to decide what's more important, accepting defeat and lack of effort or accepting the FACT that you tried your fucking best.

I know what to do. Ill plead my case, I'll be honest and show the evidence I have to support myself. But I will never fucking give up until I can promise to you I have put in 200%.

You can take my pride and crush my soul. But you cannot and I repeat CANNOT take away something which I have worked hard for and put in blood sweat and tears. Not now, not ever.

Try break me, try tell me I haven't earned it. I DARE YOU.

Faith.

Sometimes all it takes is one moment to realise where you've been going wrong your whole life. Just one moment in time to realise what's been planned for you. And that's it for me now. I understand my destiny. I've found faith in something. And in what well...I do not know. But I feel passion, happiness, love and direction.

Some may say it's God, others just a coincidental realisation of my own destiny.

But I know now what I'm doing and where I'm going and who will be there with me. And it's definitely set in stone.

Although this scares me it gives me hope for the future. And I feel this hope like an everlasting flow around me.

Everything happens for a reason, I've been told before. And I'm not sure why this is. Or whom it is by. But I know it now.

The struggle has surpassed me now. There is nothing but determination and happiness left.

And for all those people who have been or are currently in my life I wish you all the best and all the love I could possibly pass around. For I am blessed to have even known any of you for a split second. And I thank you for bringing me to this moment even if it was unknowingly to you or myself.

I am so happy within myself and right now that's all I need.

I have faith.

Ever mine, Ever thine, Ever ours.

And after all this time it's clear to me that you were always the one.
I'd let you go and I know that's my fault.
I was betrayed by my new surroundings and curiosity.
The simple need and want of more.

Now many moons have passed yet I still search for you.
You have grown old but you still seem so young in nature.
The same smile, the same style, the same butterflies when I see or hear of you.

You were the one.
And you were perfect.
But I was blinded by selfishness.
And truly it is not you who was wounded
but me.

Just a girl.

|

Who am I you ask with your voice filled with surprise,
When you're staring so deeply with your alluring eyes
I am a girl that's all you can see
But there's more to adventure if you'd care to believe,

Who am I you ask with your voice filled with curiosity
When you're pouring the drink down my throat so forcefully,
I am a girl that's all you can see,
Youthful and love the attention all on me,

Who am I you ask with your voice filled with laughter,
When you're helping me up as I'm trying to  clamber,
I am girl that's all you can see,
Tripping in her high heels, giggling so gleefully,

Who am I you ask with your voice so caring,
When you're holding my hand, this is ever so daring,
I am a girl that's all you can see,
A girl who needs help oh fucking geez!

Who am I you ask with your voice condescending,
When your pulling my hair from my face as I'm vommiting,
I am a girl thats all you can see,
He thinks silly is she who walks with me,

Who am I he asks with his voice uncomfortable,
When your pulling at my dress my pants, I'm vulnerable,
I am a girl that's all you can see
I'm scared crying out but you can't hear me.

Who am I you ask with your voice so powerful,
When your taking me home in an unknown vehicle,
I am a girl that's all you can see,
Paralysed. Unconscious what more can there be..

||

Who am I he asks with his voice Unknown,
When your staring down at me, I'm not in my home,
All around my visions returning,
The room is white, my memories blurring
I am a girl that's all you can see,
Without a clue, what's happened to me.

Who were you with he asks monotone,
Did you attempt to get home, all alone?
I'm not quite sure that's all I can say,
The truth is bitter, but today's a new day.
I am a girl that's all you can see,
Who's starting to remember what's happened to me.

Where were you at? He asks with endeavour,
Trying to make me want to remember,
I was with a man and the story unfolds,
The memories are now bright and disgustingly bold.
I am girl that's all he could see,
I told the man who listened so patiently...

|||

Who am I get asked when they hear my story,
Some want to know my infamous glory,
The gruesome details and the emotional plight,
That I went through that cold November night.
I am a girl that's all he could see.
That's what I say, when they ask frightfully.

I am no longer the girl he encountered,
That foolish young girl who he had taken and mounted.
I am a woman it is clear to see.
Who will never forget the events misery,
But I take on the pain as a badge of honour,
As from this I became a beautiful flower,
Recounted my trust and gained an education,
For women are not just pleasure, sex, lactation.
We have more gifts than men can ever imagine,
A brain full of love, inspiration and madness.
Never let a man try to determine your life,
This may be daunting
and cause strife,
Bad things they do happen to all of us it's known,
But do not let it destroy one bit of your soul.

"It's not you its me"

she was nothing special. 

nor was anything about her miraculously different from any other woman.

she just simply lost that spark that made her unique.

her eccentric flares had become nothing but a dream.

but he calmly told her "it's not you its me" 

she was just a girl at the end of the day. 

who like every other, she hated her own entirety.

but that was normality for her gender.

her aged skin and wild hair, was not choice but nature.

but he calmly told her "it's not you its me" 

she was only human.

and from that she saw flaws but also potential.

what if there's a chance for more?

For she had passion and fire in her heart.

but he calmly told her "it's not you its me."

She began to understand his phrasing.

The truth within it all.

From loving him she became him.

And lost herself within his hold.

but he calmly told her "it's not you its me" 

She was just a girl at the end of the day.

Full of desires, wants and goals.

She was not just a girl,

So she stepped forward.

but he calmly told her "it's not you its me." 

She is a Woman. 

So she does whatever feels necessary to conquer.

From losing him she discovered a new mind set. 

She became a brand new person. 

The person she needed to be.

She was free....

puppet show.

Puppetry is a form of a theatrical show which is used to entertain the masses and a spectacular one. It's basic concept is to manipulate an inanimate object into becoming a character and in many cultures it is used for the purpose of expressing morality in an accessible intelligible form. But it is quite clear that this is still an aspect of modern society.. (Stick with me I promise this is going somewhere) 

I presume you are reading this on some form of technology. A smartphone perhaps of the Apple origin or just generally an up to date modern piece of technology... 

Within that tiny piece of metal it has access to all of our accounts which have within it what we present ourselves to be to the public, polished pristine humans with plenty of money, food and objects of which we truly do not need.. But we deem them necessary to our existence. 

Hand Puppets. Capitalism. The primary example of manipulation. We see what we want, we take on jobs which add nothing to our character to be able to afford these menial objects and the karma cycle continues. The more money we earn the more we want and the manufacturers of products know this and continue to show us our desires and explain that all we need to do to be thinner, have a beautiful home/ car is to buy this product which is  essential in bettering our unnecessary existence. But this is just puppetry. The hand up the arse of a glove, the starting point of manipulation. 

The lustful craving of the unnesecary, making us believe that this product will make our lives easier than what we already have. 

But that is not it, we see celebrities on snapchat, Instagram Facebook indorcing all of these brands, scantily dressed, losing themselves to the control of money. The puppeteer being the first acting job, the first taste of money, pulling these humans in all directions making them become a shadow of what they formerly were. Making them inanimate and their stories known to the public through a specifically altered angle of a camera lense, being told what to wear, to eat....

This form of puppetry to me is ventriloquism.. If you own a percentage of a persons a soul, they will say what you and the public want to say. The puppeteer says  dance, you will see them on some form of television show exploiting themselves to the Rhythm of a samba. Let's be honest, for the right price most people will be bought and I think it's an art form when you can control a human being.

And from that point my next is a mix of two forms of puppetry, these being Shadow and Stringed and when I explain these, it is in the context of relationships with other human beings, within a normal aspect, I.e, no money involved, no manager, just platonic or sexual relations. 

Humanity is a race which predominantly has recessive or dominant beings, obviously there are grey areas to this argument but generally this idea is true. These being stronger and weaker people. And in our lives we need the balance in order to maintain healthy relationships. But we do clash if there are people extremely alike or on completely opposite ends of the spectrum..so if we envisioned this it would be like the laws of magnetic energy.(Google the basic idea of you need too) 

But as humans we are social beings who need to be surrounded by a pack which lifts us and provides positives. As in order to achieve we need to believe and have support etc. 

In every relationship their is always a stronger one more upbeat, more vivacious one and a weaker, individual.

But what happens when they lose interest? Well this is quite obvious the pack becomes diffused, unable to carry on as it gives the impression of a wound. They are somewhat broken.. 

And to fix this is takes work. 

This work is essentially taken on by the individuals, they will change their appearance, their outlooks, their life goals. Or this can be done by another telling them or showing them what to change. They will provide the basics to bring new life to an old act. 

But  my main question is, is this truly a viable aspect? Because as recessive wounded member, they seem to be tossed from person to person, losing parts of themselves and just becoming a mere shadow of what they were.As they try to change themselves in order to become better, they are merely just casting a shadow of what they want people to see, not who they truly are...somebody else is pulling the strings to maintain who they were, but in fact they are altering It.

My main reason for writing this is to express that I myself am a victim of this performance and in all aspects can relate. I currently feel the gloom of being someone who I am not in order to please another. I fumble stumble across this stage of a life in order to appease others and it is so tiresome. I feel as if I am not an autonomous creature at the moment and that I am anticipating the end waiting for my strings to be set free. But when this comes I am not sure whether I'll be able to function without this dominant being. 

 I am confessing to the fact that I am a puppet. Controlled in all aspects. I let him control me I let him believe that I am less than I am. He tells me that I am not once the person who he believed me to be, then surely I am not. 

As a 21 year old woman living in the 21st century I understand that I have the ability to do what I want with all my options, equality and intelligence. But I still feel 15 year old Beth being told how to act, what to say, what to do.  I also know that I have no control over my recessive side at this current moment and that I am struggling, so I will accept his invitation to play God and decide our fate. As it is the easiest route. And I am no longer strong enough to say when the end is. 

But what I will say is, is that you have more than likely read this. And I am a coward to say this to you personally, but please. If you no longer need me do not string me along as I am not your toy. I am not a prize which you can show off to your friends and not am I weak. I am just suffering at this current time within myself. And although I want you, I do not want you to feel like you have to make me perform. 

I am a puppet and a shadow of whom I once was, but I do not need an unwilling puppeteer as an owner. I need to be wanted. I want to act and sing and perform out of love, not out of duty. 

Addiction

We all have this unsatisfiable need to fill an empty void. And for me it's addiction. I'm addicted to the idea of addiction. I crave the unnecessary.

It's burning within me and it possesses me.

Lust, greed, desire. All motivators within my solemn existence. The power, the need, the want. All things which control my mortal presence.

Paper to palm, material to skin, warmth and wetness. All things which I crave to gain that sustains my fractured soul.

The fire has continued to burn. Yet I am unwilling to extinguish it.

And I believed you.

And I believed you.

That's what was the best part.
From the way you smiled, down to the soothing tone of your voice.

You believed in me.

And that was the peculiar part. For I didnt even believe it myself.
That I had it in me to make it...
But you recognised it.

And I believed you.

The end

And that's all we were in the end. Two people brought together by chance, fate if you will. We needed each other in some sick and twisted way to fill the harrowing silence of midnight. We came together as two people completely lost due to events which the past unfolded before we had even met.

And that's all we were in the end. Two people blinded by the romanticised visionaries before us. We needed each other in some sick and twisted way to fill the harrowing silence of midnight. We came together as two people who needed the comfort of a stranger. A warm unfamiliar touch.

And that's all we were in the end. Two people betrothed to one another. We needed each other in some sick and twisted way to fill the harrowing silence of midnight. We came together as two people who knew one of the other like a missing part of a jigsaw. Created by another. Moulded for another landscape, but fit comfortably into the new. Different but aware of this.

And that's all we were in the end. Two people bewildered by the quickening pace of comfortability. We needed each other in some sick and twisted way to fill the harrowing silence of midnight. We came together as two people who knew the truth. Unable to acknowledge it. But alert to the changes unfolding.

And that's all we were in the end. Two people becoming one. We needed each other in some sick and twisted way to fill the harrowing silence of midnight. We came together as two people connected. Solidarity.

And that's all we were in the end. Two people betrayed by their own needs. We needed each other in some sick and twisted way to fill the harrowing silence of midnight. We came together as two people who knew the fatality of their crossed paths. A blank space, needing to be filled.

And that's all we were in the end. Two people barely responding to the other. Not feeling haste, nor need of the contact any longer. But still we needed each other in some sick and twisted way to fill the harrowing silence of midnight. We came together as two people, two individuals. More different than first anticipated.

And that's all we were in the end. Two people breathing calmly down the phone. We needed each other in some sick and twisted way to fill the harrowing silence of midnight. We came together out of duty. Not need nor want.

And that's all we were in the end
Two people who needed closure.
But still needed one another in some sick and twisted way
To fill the harrowing sound of midnight.




(On a side note I hope you enjoyed my fictional piece of poetry I'm not quite sure as to what this is based on it just popped into my mind but I hope you enjoy it)

From the midst of darkness comes freckles of light...

Never write without inspiration, thought or diligence. This is something which I have held as truth for a long period of my life and is something which I would like to explain to all of my 2 followers.

I understand that I do not post often and when I do it is usually a rant, rage or discussion point and I apologise for the lack of empathy/remorse towards this I feel because I promise it is not out of arrogance but out of truth.

Truth is something which I adhere too. It is not an almighty power within the clouds, nor a book which I bow down and sing praise for ... I believe that to be true to yourself is the most respectful and honourable trait that a human can possess.

You can only ever be you. And if that's the girl who sits quietly in the back of a lecture and hates being spoken too or the girl whose voice sounds so brutally abrasaive please do not attempt to be anyone else. Be brave. Be YOURSELF! As this world has too many Kardashians wannabes.

What I am trying to say is (in a rambling lexis as per usual) that I apologise if my blog seems to be negative, as I promise you that I am not a person who shrouds herself in negativity and only sees darkness in the night sky. I also see stars, glitter and freckles of wonderful discovery through the tiny balls of fire up in the sky at night.

But from darkness emerges light and from light comes sight and beauty...

I will never write a post which lacks body or content because I think before I write and process whether or not something has the raw passion which I mentally discussed it to hold, because from this passion and deep thought emerges something truthful and without the element of self belief and truth where is my sincerity?

Yes some of my posts seem bleak or obsolete but I believe the most beautiful things we read or see are things which are created from innately truthful passion.

So to round up this post, which may seem like an ironic post but...

I promise to never write something without the character flare or passion behind it, so you may be waiting a while for something to pop up, but I promise you that it will not be posted without certainty, thought and emotion.

Thankyou!

It was quick and fast paced and everything seemed to happen at once. Like when you see a firework show and you see sparkles and hear loud bangs from nowhere. A little piece of magic that you're glad you never missed. That's how it was when I met you. 

You were perfect. Full of life yet organised and spontaneous. You were exactly what I needed. 

You just came into my life from nowhere and you were greatly needed. And still are.

I'm not sure where we are right now but I presume currently in limbo. But all I can say is that I want you to stay. And I'm asking you to stay because although it's been such a short time that you've been in my life, I truly feel that you have made such a large impact and for you to leave so soon would be devastating. 

But if you feel like our time has passed I would just like to say thankyou for being kind with fractured soul. Thankyou for caring when I truly didn't believe in myself. And as cliche as it sounds thankyou for the memories.

Dear Friend you will be missed greatly. Don't ever feel like I never cared because truthfully, I cared and still care more than you will ever know. 

Social Media ...

Social media just reflects the positives of a person and never shows the weakness which they are facing.

It's as if it is a secret advertisement of their life when we think about it isn't it? 

Its just a snippet or a screenshot of life which people use to hide behind. A perfectly angled and edited version of what someone owns or appears to look like. 

The truth is usually much darker. 

There are those posting pictures of their shopping but they secretly live in debt. 

Then there are those who post loving photos of their relationships when really it is crumbling at the roots.

And there are the mothers and fathers who post perfect family photos but secretly are struggling coping with new responsibilities. 

Why do we as a society seem to cower from the truth and hide away our insecurities and flaws, when quite truthfully it is these which make us all individual and unique? 

Here are some thoughts and ramblings of a mad woman. 

.

I lie awake at night for hours and hours hoping for a sign or an explanation but it never comes. In a Godless society full of debauchery and unexplainable pain it's hard to even fathom the existence of a being so ultimately good who understands why these plights are occurring.

Sat in the dark I replay every single awkward moment I have ever experienced and reflect on their impact within not only my timeline but the people who it may have affected any action which I might have taken and feel so deeply apologetic.

I just don't understand why at the moment I feel so trapped, yet completely lost and so stuck into a routine, yet so deep in responsibilities that I feel like I'm drowning and so alone.

I wish I could offer an interesting post to the whole 1 follower whom I have, but I can't and I am so sorry to you.

All I can say is that right now I feel like theirs a heavy weight on my chest which is immovable. It's heavy, a nuisance and completely unshakable. Whatever this feeling is it's constantly there hovering over me and sometimes I do feel like it's just me. I should stop being over dramatic, so I put on my makeup do my hair, anything to make me feel any better but it just makes me feel so fake. I'm surely lying to myself.

Yet to speak up about this horrid feeling is to many an attention seeking mechanism, but I would like to insist it truly is not.

When you have no hope you see no future and with no future you have no desire to further yourself. Even if you know you can do or try better theirs this constant niggling in your brain telling you you're not even worth it. You're stupid, so why fight it.

What this is basically is an explanation as to why I have not posted anything in a while and it is also a public rant which no one will see and that's ok. I just needed this off my chest. At least it's one less weight on me.

I just feel so empty, lost and so much grief and I shouldn't. I have no reason to feel this way. I have a loving family and perfect friends and a dog who lights up when she sees me walk through the door. But I'm so sick of plastering on this fake smile and answering "I'm fine" when truly, I feel weak and constantly tired.

I understand this is just a phase that's happening  and I will get through it. But I would just like to apologise for the non inspiring and positive theme of this message. To anyone who reads this who feels the same please turn to someone who will listen or even a GP (your personal doctor) because you can get through it. Just at this present moment it seems hard and hopeless, but that's ok. It's part of being human.

So I'm sorry for the lack on inspiration. I could really use a miracle right now.

P.S. The worst and hardest part of this whole message is to take my own advice.

Confusion to Conversion

Confusion is a large part of growing and becoming a new person. And the process to becoming this new person is extremely difficult. 

As individuals we face new challenges everyday and experience situations which we could never possibly imagine. 

And these strange, bizzarre situations place us in a peculiar stead as we never truly know how to challenge or attempt to tackle them.

Do we chase the dream or live a life of consistency? 

Do we experience the stress and pain of a regular life or the mundane normal routine?

And the worst part of our feeble human existence is our lack of ambition. We see comfortability and rely on it. We have our safety nets to fall back on. 

But why? 

Why do we never look beyond the present and into the future for longer than a thought? 

Why do we not push ourselves towards our dreams and immerse our confused souls into bettering ourselves? 

I understand the subjective nature of these questions and the personal situations which people live in which restrain us from being truly free but for once humanity should look outside the box of normality and into the world of excitement, fear and the Unknown as for what we may gain from the observation is a possibility of a beautiful new life. 

And as autonomous creature who roam this soon to be desert land, why shouldn't we grow, learn and expand our knowledges, hopes and dreams? 

Yes it may be a frightening path to take but one worth taking. Surely risks are far more important and beneficial than the standardised state of unhappy sheep like normality which humanity has adopted? 

So be confused and embrace the difficulties which lie ahead as experience is our only teacher. And if you do seem to reach danger amongst your way, be prepared to fight it and rise from the remainding cinder. As when something breaks it is not truly broken. Everything can be fixed with determination and the willingness to admit defeat. With failure comes knowledge which prevents us from taking the same path.

If you have a goal and fail once try again until you succeed and attempt another process to achieve the same outcome. 

Happiness is the key to living a beautiful and successful life and without it, surely we are no more than the other organisms on this world? 

We have a state of consciousness for a reason. Despite scientific explanations of us developing emotions and reactions to help us survive, there honestly must be another reason as to why we are here..

And to me personally it is because we all have a purpose to fulfill. Not an Aquinas like purpose or a Kantain duty, nor Dharma. But an intrinsic autonomous purpose which we have created ourselves.

And yes it will cause conflict and confusion. But until we attempt to aim for this new person or version or at least semi accept this internal change or strength, we will never become who we truly are. 

Also apologies. Yes the title is misleading. But this is not a religious article I promise, just something to ponder... So enjoy and consider what makes you happy and how you yourself are achieving it. 

New week, new day, health kick

You'll all be surprised to see a post which relatively is quite different from my usual but it's going to happen. 

Today I have chosen to get up each morning and workout 5 times a week eat healthily, make positive choices in my life in general as at the moment. I feel horrendous... So apart from my usual negative ramblings I have decided to keep a blog log of my fitness/ progress throughout the month! 

Just as a little experiment to see how treating my body properly will affect myself mentally. 

After reading many articles and from common knowledge, exercise and correct nutrients in fact help cognitive function.. Who would've thought ey? 😉

So here's my plan..

I'll attempt to eat no junk food and just drink water and two cups of tea a day. 

I'll also plan to exercise and with it I'll blog my progress, how I feel mentally and just in general what's going to happen. Also I will not tell anyone of this. I might post a few Instagram photos but apart from that I've decided it's my own personal mission to create a more positive version of myself and it starts from within right? 

So ill keep you updated and hopefully it will work a treat! Or I'll fail. Most likely and experience a prominent embarrassment, but I can try right? 

So here goes wish me luck and here to #bethansmission 

Change. Confusion. Destruction.

The world slowly turns around us and with each inhale of oxygen it changes slightly. 

We constantly are surrounded by this concept of change, something which is never ending and infinite. 

It's apparent through the seasons and how we see our environments morph into different colours, textures and hear new sounds with the passing days, weeks and months. 

We are in a flux of time where nothing is stable and secure and we need to move with the eras.

So we attempt to. 

We change our lifestyle choices, we cut our hair, try new foods but truly non of this matters. The human race seems to have evolved so much over thousands of years including our intelligence levels constantly progressing and this seems like such a natural process. 

One foot will always have to step in front of the other to be able to move forward.

Our world seems to constantly be changing and with it the human race progresses. Take for instance our life goals. We initially want to be happy but with happiness comes greed and we strive for more than what's necessary. 

But why do we change? 

And also what does it mean if we do not want to change? Does this make us gluttonous aimless creatures? Or simply accepting of what we are? 

Confusion I believe is what comes from change and it is a peculiar feeling which leaves me feeling sick to the stomach. 

How do we truly know what is the correct path of change? How can we travel down a route when the light to guide us seems so dim? 

Truly all we need to do is to just stand still and think, but why does thinking lead to more change and more change lead to more work which could possibly end in destruction? 

Here are the girl confessions of a rambling mad woman. 

My always and forever.

Well grandad it's been four years now and I honestly can't tell you how much you're missed because it would be an incredible task to attempt.  

Every day I still think about you whether I vocalise it or not I truly do. 

You were a massive part of my life and for you to be taken away is completely and utterly disgusting and I don't understand it.

I understand that you were ill, but surely such a good man deserved so many more years! I know that we should be grateful for the time we had and I am. You taught me life skills, maths, how to be true to myself and always supported every thing that I did! 

You even introduced me to proper music which I honestly could never be more in your debt. You gave me a passion which has pushed me to believe in myself in every walk of life and it all originated from jazz and soul music. 

But I miss you. 

Your funny sayings, your laugh and the way you hated public displays of affection. 

Do you remember when we went to TJ Hughes and I wheeled you into almost everything and you ended up walking instead? 

Do you remember when you, Faye and me went to Boro for the day and we ordered a meal and waited two hours for yours to be cooked, when the waiter just forgot to add it to the bill? And I offered you some cold chips and you were fuming all day?

Eee we had so many funny times! 

Such simple times, which are still etched into my memory now. Which to many may just seem mediocre, but honesty spending time with my best friend was enough for me. 

The longer you're not here, the more I'm getting used to it and I hate it Gangag I really really do. 

I hate that I can't fully remember everything and I hate how time has this way of making you feel as if you're not here because you still are to me at least. I see you everywhere and in the smallest things. 

But most of all I'm perplexed by how cruel my memory is because I no longer hear your voice in my head. I just hear the impressions and your singing but as I get older the fainter it sounds..

And along with that its only really photos that help me remember the details in your face. Like how blue your eyes were! 

But I do remember your beard and how tough it was and how soft your head hair was and how hilarious you were and to be that's good enough. It'll have to be. 

All in all life's never as good compared to when you were here. And there's never a moment where I look back and feel regret because we did everything together. 

And although I miss you and wish you were here, at least you're not in pain, and I'll never forget you squeezing my hand. 

I love you so much and will never stop loving you, you old buggar. And I could never thankyou enough for everything you did for our family. 

Miss you G-Dog and I love you to the moon and back. 

Lazy Arses, read this and contemplate. Aka me.

Inspiration is hard to find these days. Especially for people who have come from countries such as Britain. Whether you're on the bread line or higher up in the class formation, we always have options which other less financially stable countries have. 

We all have the ability and right to an education, in fact it is a legal contract for us up until the age of 18 and then we can decide what we can do with our lives. 

Even if in our youth we are less committed to our education, we always seem to be able to achieve a life which we want and can have whether it's through diligence or sponging off of the government.

We essentially are sorted.

We constantly have options handed to us on a silver platter which affect how we push forward in life. 

But how do we motivate ourselves? 

Personally I can't even stick to a diet for a week let alone think of much pressing issues such as my future. But it is this lack of motivation which our current youths of society have. Me being a victim to the options of possibilities. 

We all seem to have an understanding that to fail is ok, we stand back up and somehow have a safety net.. But why do we have this? 

Why do we deserve this? 

Personally I feel like I'm falling and seem to believe that I have this safety precaution which will inevitably catch me when the process ends but in reality I don't. 

I need motivation, I need structure in my life. I need certainty and the outline of what's happening to me to be at the forefront of my imagination otherwise I digress. 

So basically this is an ill written way to articulate how I'm struggling.

I don't know my future and it's not ok. 

I don't feel pressed to work enthusiastically with vigour and I'm unsure as to why? 

I don't understand why I'm feeling an eclecticism of emotions tearing me between being hardworking and a complete sloth and it's so infuriating.

Is this just human nature? Are we truly hungry or bored? I believe so.. The media portrays diligence through young slim humanoids who have the ability to conquer all including a healthy lifestyle through eating a leaf a day, reading a book and cycling in a montage of images collated to create 30 seconds of falsely advertised success. 

It takes more than that. 

It takes your gut instinct and your heart and soul to truly achieve an aim, not half arsed attempts. 

So why am I not practising what I preach? And also why is it so much easier to motivate and aid others than to do this myself? 

I think it's a difficult thing to challenge ourselves and with any adversity we cower away and retreat back to the comfort of our warm sheets. It's our natural instinct to shy away from what makes us worried, scared and nervous.

But it's time to make sacrifices. Grab life by the balls and move forward. You get nowhere in life by just thinking in black and white, it's the grey areas which make us diverse, educated and unique. 

So come on people. Let's be a nation of doers rather than donts. Let's wake up in the morning with hopes and positivity and not snooze our alarms. 

I know you can do it! It's just a lot of hard work...but it's possible! 

Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game!  

Chances

There are moments in life where we have to make important decisions.Whether to stay and resume normality or to leave to learn and to grow individually through new experiences. And these choices vary due to circumstance. 

But how truly can we make such important decisions which can impact on our lives in so many ways? 

Obviously we could hedonistically calculate how the decision will benefit us and those around us. Then see what it will cost us individually.. But truly how do we have the ability to choose what is best for us? 

Some may say that fate allowed this to happen, that everything was leading up to this moment. 

Or that a higher being or a force bigger than us has directed us down, up, or along this path..

That it's a case of a new opportunity excitement and a way for us to step out of our comfort zone in the dark and we should bound towards the light..

Or that it's greed of wanting more than just the draining life of normality. 

Personally I believe that everything happens for some sort of reason and no matter what the event or reason may be it is eventually to help steer us towards our greater good!

Whether this may be a new career, friendship or life choice it has been done to show us what else is out there.

I believe that within our current society to many aspects of our lives are led by our heads and not our hearts. We've become a dreamless civilisation of approval and we spend too much time looking down at our phones and hoping that we will be gratified with a like, which is only liked mainly due to aimless appreciation. Not the thing itself and this has inevitably led to the socialised acceptance of not pursuing what we truly want, but accepting the easy way out due to comfort and public acceptance. 

So think outside the box, create a new life try something new because there's a reason why the opportunity has came along! 

As a society we should choose to be true to at least ourselves and not aim for a target of which we do not want.

In the terms of careers expand yourself. Learn to love what you do and excel at it. Be the best you, you could possibly be..

In regards to lifestyle choices live in accordance to your own beliefs and desires within reason. 

In friendships explore and learn to understand new people, even step outbid your comfort zone and discover a persons true personality not just their charisma.

Try new things and be true to yourself. Never let the idea of hurt stop you because either way you will fall and what do we do when we fall? Stand straight back up.

So people leap towards new opportunities discover new things and don't be scared! Change is inevitable..

We waste so much time by worrying about others that we forget our moral duty towards ourselves, what will benefit us greatly and what makes you happy. 

Remember that you deserve everything which you work hard for even if you don't believe it and that pain is inevitable in life. It's how we handle the pain which defines our character. 

Tea and Toast

Sometimes all you need is some tea and toast. It's a comfort food which forever holds a place in my heart.

It's what I've always used to cure anything from a cold to a broken heart and it is the essential comfort food. 

Its what I've been brought up with and what I'm sure many others have too. 

Being a British citizen I presume it's not even just a culture preference but genuinely a code within my DNA and with that I think quite a comforting thing.

I remember waking up before secondary school and having tea and toast either drowning in butter and jam, or swimming in Nutella and then as I grew older it being the go to food for if I was running late, or had a shit day.. How do you resolve it? By eating tea and toast. It's a personal favourite for me which has so many memories encompassing it. 

So many memories? From tea and toast? You may be thinking I'm a complete fool but it truly does. It reminds me of so many mornings sitting with my family watching the tv, my first and probably last sleepover at friends house and countless of other so simple times which I cherish so fondly, but most of all it reminds me of university. 

In first year during my term times we had meals provided but I always woke too late or too early to be able to eat at the canteen, so I had tea and toast. 

When I worked at Marks and Spencer's it was provided as an obligatory free gesture to the staff. (Well of course it was, tea and toast is a part of British culture and if any store embodies our proud nation it's them!) 

So many countless mornings where Id start at six and had to be there for half five and I'd sleepily awake stumbling to the kitchen just to have the feeling of warmth trickle through my body and enter the cockles of my heart!

And also the hungover mornings with the girls in halls where we would all communally gather have a cuppa and toast and talk about who shagged who or what happened.. Usually who cahoori pulled and what numbers she was on..

But yes that was definitely my mind wandering.. 

What I am trying to say (but seem to be failing to articulate) is that it truly is a creature comfort because it brings people together. Such a simple act unifies a nation and by offering tea and toast ,such a small thing, can create so many memories and emotions! 

So keep being kind people, keep sharing and please keep drinking tea! 

Money

To earn a living is deemed as loyal, respectful and completely normal

I, as I am sat on this train have become befuddled by the aspect of money and how much it truly overwhelms our lives. In front of me there is a tall male with a slim figure dressed in a tailored suit with elbow patches, brown shoes. Quite quirky really, but he is completely surrounded by top of the range electronics. A smart book with an excel page open, his mobile attached to his hand like it has been magnetically drawn to it replying to emails and a distant look which causally gazes from one screen to another..

Yet behind him is a young male presumably in his teens quietly dozing away. With no technology around him, nor labelled clothes. Just a cream knitted jumper, blue tatty jeans and he looked lovely! 

Innocence embodied but with an army backpack.. 

But imagine if there was no currency which dictated our society... 

Imagine if everyone could live equally and gain the items that they wanted? 

I'm not talking about communism, etc and nor am I encouraging that people should gain the same rewards as someone who works twice as hard as another it's just food for thought really!

Capitalism completely overthrows our lives and we are surrounded by commercialism... Branded clothing, makeup etc. We post pictures on social media of our favourite new objects and brag to others about them...

Money is literally surrounding us and we somehow can not escape it. Bizzarre really. We all crave more and more money. But when we finally have it we waste it on stupid items and get bored of the purchases..

It is true the saying that ... We're just hungry or bored!

 

You're Area 😉

Currently I am living in a completely organised space with designated sections for certain types of objects... Or what I like to call my fluffy hole. 

Haha laugh all you may but my room is a spectacle of all things pink and girly. Sugar spice and everything nice, all the ingredients to make a perfect girl (insert 90s childhood reference) and I truly believe it is the only feminine thing about me.

I love the typical girl things, yet I am quite a tom-boy who loves sports, drinking, wearing black and flirting so maybe my room is the only slight bit of release that wets my inner girls taste. 

They say that our habitats are a reflection of our minds, so our homes or bedrooms (in my case) are a projection of what we are thinking and doing within that period of time. So our personal cleanliness, tidiness, choices of colour, posters, objects and organisation can all be reflected within our living space. So if this is the truth a lot can be said about our personalities through their choices.

Let that just sink in for a second!  

Content with being content

Well everyone it's a new year and definitely it seems like a new me as cliche as it sounds. It's a bizarre statement but it truly is..

I seem to have turned myself around, completely turned over a new leaf and I'm happy that I have! 

Life is not dramatic, it's not like a scene from a movie and that's ok isn't it?

I wake up every morning surrounded by my family who love me, friends just a click away and excitement for the possible future! 

To be content and excited by different things, that's how life's supposed be! 

it's just slowly passing by like watching a leaf fall from a tree in Autumn. Passive and beautifully calming. 

Since 2015 ended I wanted to be a better version of myself and although I do slip off the bandwagon (as most girls do) I truly believe that I'm a better me. 

I exercise a little bit, could do abit more but it happens, I eat healthily when it's available to me provided by carte de fam a lam and I've found a beautiful love with Nietzsche and his work, not so much the content but his presentation of arguments and Ahhhh I'll get into this another time! But it's amazing! And I'm happy! Also I really enjoy reading in general. There seems to never be a cuppa or a book long enough to warm the cockle of my heart, but that's life! Nothing lasts forever, but it can make life seem so much fuller! 

But towards the regards of love, there's no one who seems to give me a special sparkle or my heart skip a beat better than my family friends and my little pup! It's all I need! 

So there you go future me! I hope you look back and realise that this boring period, was one of the best! Because, well it just was! 

2015: The Main Emotion

2015 was a big year. A terrifying one full of heartbreak, failures and a loss of direction for me personally. It was a year where I truly lost, learned and loved in many different ways. And honestly I look at the year and regret many decisions I made...

It has truly been a journey which I have had to deal with. I've been through in all honesty a complete battle with myself, my purpose and what truly matters and I'm not entirely sure what the resolution is. I understand that I as a person have something in my life and have to do something but I'm not quite sure what that is.. Or what I truly do want.

I've battled with myself a long time and it is tiring.

But it has also a turning point. I grew a backbone, started to understand that to be me, I have to be true to myself not be a push over, because to be truly honest, I started to look in the mirror and not recognize myself. I saw fear, anger, gluttony and ugliness.

I do have that gnawing feeling of darkness which creeps up, but I generally reverse it and look for the alternative. So during the end of the year I started to understand pain and use it to inspire hope, use it to push myself that slight bit further and it helped.

Loneliness however is a constant feeling which I have accrued since returning home. People are not always there like they promise and although its lovely to be surrounded by family, its quite clear to see that you have very few people in life who bother once you're not within a 3 mile radius.

"But baby thats life" and maybe that is a lesson which I have learned. That people who truly care will bother.

So here's my confessions:
1. Social media gives a false impression of people who love and support you. Although you have many people as contacts, most of them just want to see what you are up to but not be involved.
2. So be true to who you are. Find happiness within the things which move you and educate you, despite of what ridicule you may recieve
3. Love the ones who persist with you even through your dark periods. As they are the ones who will still love you despite the possible pain you are feeling or have caused. 
4. Forgiveness takes time and space. Once people have understood both sides of a story they will come forward and be there.