Thankyou!

It was quick and fast paced and everything seemed to happen at once. Like when you see a firework show and you see sparkles and hear loud bangs from nowhere. A little piece of magic that you're glad you never missed. That's how it was when I met you. 

You were perfect. Full of life yet organised and spontaneous. You were exactly what I needed. 

You just came into my life from nowhere and you were greatly needed. And still are.

I'm not sure where we are right now but I presume currently in limbo. But all I can say is that I want you to stay. And I'm asking you to stay because although it's been such a short time that you've been in my life, I truly feel that you have made such a large impact and for you to leave so soon would be devastating. 

But if you feel like our time has passed I would just like to say thankyou for being kind with fractured soul. Thankyou for caring when I truly didn't believe in myself. And as cliche as it sounds thankyou for the memories.

Dear Friend you will be missed greatly. Don't ever feel like I never cared because truthfully, I cared and still care more than you will ever know. 

Social Media ...

Social media just reflects the positives of a person and never shows the weakness which they are facing.

It's as if it is a secret advertisement of their life when we think about it isn't it? 

Its just a snippet or a screenshot of life which people use to hide behind. A perfectly angled and edited version of what someone owns or appears to look like. 

The truth is usually much darker. 

There are those posting pictures of their shopping but they secretly live in debt. 

Then there are those who post loving photos of their relationships when really it is crumbling at the roots.

And there are the mothers and fathers who post perfect family photos but secretly are struggling coping with new responsibilities. 

Why do we as a society seem to cower from the truth and hide away our insecurities and flaws, when quite truthfully it is these which make us all individual and unique? 

Here are some thoughts and ramblings of a mad woman. 

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I lie awake at night for hours and hours hoping for a sign or an explanation but it never comes. In a Godless society full of debauchery and unexplainable pain it's hard to even fathom the existence of a being so ultimately good who understands why these plights are occurring.

Sat in the dark I replay every single awkward moment I have ever experienced and reflect on their impact within not only my timeline but the people who it may have affected any action which I might have taken and feel so deeply apologetic.

I just don't understand why at the moment I feel so trapped, yet completely lost and so stuck into a routine, yet so deep in responsibilities that I feel like I'm drowning and so alone.

I wish I could offer an interesting post to the whole 1 follower whom I have, but I can't and I am so sorry to you.

All I can say is that right now I feel like theirs a heavy weight on my chest which is immovable. It's heavy, a nuisance and completely unshakable. Whatever this feeling is it's constantly there hovering over me and sometimes I do feel like it's just me. I should stop being over dramatic, so I put on my makeup do my hair, anything to make me feel any better but it just makes me feel so fake. I'm surely lying to myself.

Yet to speak up about this horrid feeling is to many an attention seeking mechanism, but I would like to insist it truly is not.

When you have no hope you see no future and with no future you have no desire to further yourself. Even if you know you can do or try better theirs this constant niggling in your brain telling you you're not even worth it. You're stupid, so why fight it.

What this is basically is an explanation as to why I have not posted anything in a while and it is also a public rant which no one will see and that's ok. I just needed this off my chest. At least it's one less weight on me.

I just feel so empty, lost and so much grief and I shouldn't. I have no reason to feel this way. I have a loving family and perfect friends and a dog who lights up when she sees me walk through the door. But I'm so sick of plastering on this fake smile and answering "I'm fine" when truly, I feel weak and constantly tired.

I understand this is just a phase that's happening  and I will get through it. But I would just like to apologise for the non inspiring and positive theme of this message. To anyone who reads this who feels the same please turn to someone who will listen or even a GP (your personal doctor) because you can get through it. Just at this present moment it seems hard and hopeless, but that's ok. It's part of being human.

So I'm sorry for the lack on inspiration. I could really use a miracle right now.

P.S. The worst and hardest part of this whole message is to take my own advice.

Confusion to Conversion

Confusion is a large part of growing and becoming a new person. And the process to becoming this new person is extremely difficult. 

As individuals we face new challenges everyday and experience situations which we could never possibly imagine. 

And these strange, bizzarre situations place us in a peculiar stead as we never truly know how to challenge or attempt to tackle them.

Do we chase the dream or live a life of consistency? 

Do we experience the stress and pain of a regular life or the mundane normal routine?

And the worst part of our feeble human existence is our lack of ambition. We see comfortability and rely on it. We have our safety nets to fall back on. 

But why? 

Why do we never look beyond the present and into the future for longer than a thought? 

Why do we not push ourselves towards our dreams and immerse our confused souls into bettering ourselves? 

I understand the subjective nature of these questions and the personal situations which people live in which restrain us from being truly free but for once humanity should look outside the box of normality and into the world of excitement, fear and the Unknown as for what we may gain from the observation is a possibility of a beautiful new life. 

And as autonomous creature who roam this soon to be desert land, why shouldn't we grow, learn and expand our knowledges, hopes and dreams? 

Yes it may be a frightening path to take but one worth taking. Surely risks are far more important and beneficial than the standardised state of unhappy sheep like normality which humanity has adopted? 

So be confused and embrace the difficulties which lie ahead as experience is our only teacher. And if you do seem to reach danger amongst your way, be prepared to fight it and rise from the remainding cinder. As when something breaks it is not truly broken. Everything can be fixed with determination and the willingness to admit defeat. With failure comes knowledge which prevents us from taking the same path.

If you have a goal and fail once try again until you succeed and attempt another process to achieve the same outcome. 

Happiness is the key to living a beautiful and successful life and without it, surely we are no more than the other organisms on this world? 

We have a state of consciousness for a reason. Despite scientific explanations of us developing emotions and reactions to help us survive, there honestly must be another reason as to why we are here..

And to me personally it is because we all have a purpose to fulfill. Not an Aquinas like purpose or a Kantain duty, nor Dharma. But an intrinsic autonomous purpose which we have created ourselves.

And yes it will cause conflict and confusion. But until we attempt to aim for this new person or version or at least semi accept this internal change or strength, we will never become who we truly are. 

Also apologies. Yes the title is misleading. But this is not a religious article I promise, just something to ponder... So enjoy and consider what makes you happy and how you yourself are achieving it. 

New week, new day, health kick

You'll all be surprised to see a post which relatively is quite different from my usual but it's going to happen. 

Today I have chosen to get up each morning and workout 5 times a week eat healthily, make positive choices in my life in general as at the moment. I feel horrendous... So apart from my usual negative ramblings I have decided to keep a blog log of my fitness/ progress throughout the month! 

Just as a little experiment to see how treating my body properly will affect myself mentally. 

After reading many articles and from common knowledge, exercise and correct nutrients in fact help cognitive function.. Who would've thought ey? 😉

So here's my plan..

I'll attempt to eat no junk food and just drink water and two cups of tea a day. 

I'll also plan to exercise and with it I'll blog my progress, how I feel mentally and just in general what's going to happen. Also I will not tell anyone of this. I might post a few Instagram photos but apart from that I've decided it's my own personal mission to create a more positive version of myself and it starts from within right? 

So ill keep you updated and hopefully it will work a treat! Or I'll fail. Most likely and experience a prominent embarrassment, but I can try right? 

So here goes wish me luck and here to #bethansmission 

Change. Confusion. Destruction.

The world slowly turns around us and with each inhale of oxygen it changes slightly. 

We constantly are surrounded by this concept of change, something which is never ending and infinite. 

It's apparent through the seasons and how we see our environments morph into different colours, textures and hear new sounds with the passing days, weeks and months. 

We are in a flux of time where nothing is stable and secure and we need to move with the eras.

So we attempt to. 

We change our lifestyle choices, we cut our hair, try new foods but truly non of this matters. The human race seems to have evolved so much over thousands of years including our intelligence levels constantly progressing and this seems like such a natural process. 

One foot will always have to step in front of the other to be able to move forward.

Our world seems to constantly be changing and with it the human race progresses. Take for instance our life goals. We initially want to be happy but with happiness comes greed and we strive for more than what's necessary. 

But why do we change? 

And also what does it mean if we do not want to change? Does this make us gluttonous aimless creatures? Or simply accepting of what we are? 

Confusion I believe is what comes from change and it is a peculiar feeling which leaves me feeling sick to the stomach. 

How do we truly know what is the correct path of change? How can we travel down a route when the light to guide us seems so dim? 

Truly all we need to do is to just stand still and think, but why does thinking lead to more change and more change lead to more work which could possibly end in destruction? 

Here are the girl confessions of a rambling mad woman. 

My always and forever.

Well grandad it's been four years now and I honestly can't tell you how much you're missed because it would be an incredible task to attempt.  

Every day I still think about you whether I vocalise it or not I truly do. 

You were a massive part of my life and for you to be taken away is completely and utterly disgusting and I don't understand it.

I understand that you were ill, but surely such a good man deserved so many more years! I know that we should be grateful for the time we had and I am. You taught me life skills, maths, how to be true to myself and always supported every thing that I did! 

You even introduced me to proper music which I honestly could never be more in your debt. You gave me a passion which has pushed me to believe in myself in every walk of life and it all originated from jazz and soul music. 

But I miss you. 

Your funny sayings, your laugh and the way you hated public displays of affection. 

Do you remember when we went to TJ Hughes and I wheeled you into almost everything and you ended up walking instead? 

Do you remember when you, Faye and me went to Boro for the day and we ordered a meal and waited two hours for yours to be cooked, when the waiter just forgot to add it to the bill? And I offered you some cold chips and you were fuming all day?

Eee we had so many funny times! 

Such simple times, which are still etched into my memory now. Which to many may just seem mediocre, but honesty spending time with my best friend was enough for me. 

The longer you're not here, the more I'm getting used to it and I hate it Gangag I really really do. 

I hate that I can't fully remember everything and I hate how time has this way of making you feel as if you're not here because you still are to me at least. I see you everywhere and in the smallest things. 

But most of all I'm perplexed by how cruel my memory is because I no longer hear your voice in my head. I just hear the impressions and your singing but as I get older the fainter it sounds..

And along with that its only really photos that help me remember the details in your face. Like how blue your eyes were! 

But I do remember your beard and how tough it was and how soft your head hair was and how hilarious you were and to be that's good enough. It'll have to be. 

All in all life's never as good compared to when you were here. And there's never a moment where I look back and feel regret because we did everything together. 

And although I miss you and wish you were here, at least you're not in pain, and I'll never forget you squeezing my hand. 

I love you so much and will never stop loving you, you old buggar. And I could never thankyou enough for everything you did for our family. 

Miss you G-Dog and I love you to the moon and back.