Jekyll and Hyde

I watched him with the same eyes a few months ago and saw a completely different person as to what I see before me now... It's true you know. What they say. Do not. And I repeat DO NOT judge a book by its cover. 

I thought that he was a sarcastic arrogant and egotistical male who walked with a little too much confidence because hell. He knew he was good looking. The typical dark tall and handsome kind. The kind of man who seems to know the world and will shove all of the knowledge which he has attained into your long term memory...But I was wrong.

Have you ever met someone and realised that your perception of them is a complete and utter lie? As if all former knowledge about a person which you accrewed based on one negative experience is so inaccurate? Well I have and I am truly sorry and regret that prior judgement. 

Because sometimes you meet people and like I said in my previous blog they surprise you. And I do believe that you must see someone on more than one occasion to truly know who they are and to perceive an unbiased image of them because people are soo weird. Human kind is truly complex, fascinating but completely and utterly bonkers.

We as a race survive through adaptation and I am a full supporter of Darwins evolutionary theory. The human race has evolved into a new species from a previous state to maintain, survive and overcome any obstacle set before us. I mean look at yourself right now and look into your palm at the tiny contraption of intricately composed metal.  The whole concept of you having almost a universe full of potential, power and knowledge at your fingertips is ridiculous but you do...

We have created objects such as this smartphone to aid us with our progression it involves us with one another, makes us sustain relationships we never thought we could and envelopes our minds. 

But although as a species we have evolved in so many amazing ways (and I mean fucking amazing ways Intellectually) we still have our basic ways such as eating drinking etc to survive and our social status. 

And this horrendously off topic ramble brings me back to the idea of human behaviour and our abilities to survive. I truly believe that as a race we adapt socially to fit our environment. And that is what he did. That guy who I originally hated, he did that. 

Around other males he's a lads lad. Full of banter, wanting to pull and just came across as general dick and it's natural. As a social species we like to be around others as it grounds us and educates us in what's proper social conduct...

But with him he's confusing and different and that's what makes him, well him. 

I met him properly sat down had a conversation one on one and I truly appreciated what I saw before me. A male who was educated, had interests, opinions and knows how to dress. 

He let me into a tiny part of his brain and as he was telling me about how he loves to cook Italian, I saw a kind heart as cheesy as it sounds and I could hear a soft voice which was untainted by the loud noise of interruptions from another drunkard. I saw who he was and connected to something which was there so deeply hidden and protected by this lad ego and I saw someone who genuinely made my stomach feel like there were butterflies just casually there. 

But a day later I sat down with him in a room full of testosterone and noticed how much of him had slipped away. His kindness had flaked away into a bitter seeming scowl and his enthusiasm turned into boredom and it was upsetting. 

It was as if a light had been switched off and he was empty. A shell of a person compared to the fantastic attraction of honesty and compassion which he portrayed the day before. Like a completely different person. Like Jekyll and Hyde. 

I wanted to know that intriguing person who let me into his world not this one who has let the spark burn out.  

But maybe this was his coping mechanism from the harsh reality of life, I'm not sure. But it saddened me thinking how little of himself he truly knew and the potential which he held before him. 

He is truly unique and I don't think he should ever not know that. His tendencies to flitter between emotions anger me but his ability to care and learn astound me. 

He truly is remarkable. And I appreciated the man which I once knew from that one chance meeting because I accidentally started to fall for him. This person I barely knew. I wanted to know him and it's a fucking crazy statement to make but honest. I wanted to know the man behind the current reflection. Because he was and is a better person than what he hides behind. 

But now to conclude its confession time no infact it's me asking for a favour from you and you know who you are. 

1. Please understand that as a person you are so much more than what you give yourself credit for. You are an amazing person with more to you than the incessantly boring aim to get drunk 24/7. You are an intellectual with a fab personality and you should realise that I like you more when your who you are, rather than being someone your not. Even if this means showing your so called flaws. I like all your flaws because they make you well you. 

2. Sticking to the constraints of social situations is beneath you and you know it. Don't follow the crowd

3. Please take me camping under the stars so we can just get to know each other. 

SURPRISE!!!!!

People within life will continually choose to surprise you and whether that's in a negative way or a positive way. It will happen. 

Because people are crazy, random intuitive beings who will follow the slight inclination of natural instinct. It's genetics and it's an evolutionary process which has never left us. It's the tiny part of our animalistic character which will stick with us as we need it to protect ourselves, the human race and our need to survive. 

But why does it affect us in such an empathetic sense to ditur us from certain feelings? Or why does it block us from staying with the sensible safe option and encourage us to move past our boundaries? This could be financially, career wise or emotionally...

I ask this question because humanity has its flaws and it's undeniable of how we seem to not be able to attain stability within certain areas of our lives and in reflection to my first statement, we are extremely surprising. 

People change and circumstances change. We learn new characteristics about the ones we thought were once close to us and it surprises us, we'll it definitely surprises me. 

The way how one person can seem so perfect in one aspect, yet unwilling to change in another. It's scary and it's made me choose a different action and surprise even myself in a negative way because well, I didn't want it to happen. It just did. 

What I'm trying to say is that I fell out of love. And I grieve for what once was, it seems unfathomable to pick up the pieces and start again because my life is different and his life is different but I still love him and respect him. But my heart yearns for more than just a distant memory. It yearns for something new. 

I have new passions, new interests and I've gained a new love and as vain as it sounds for myself. I've learnt that I need to respect myself in order to attain stability, and I cannot do this by putting all my focus on someone else. I need to carry on with my education and if I do find someone else not become so enveloped with their life that I forget about my own. And it's not his fault. 

It's completely mine. I was selfish the whole way through as I needed something which I never realised could come from myself, so I became head over heels involved in him as it was a distraction from my own problems which landed me in a dark hole of despair. 

So yes people will surprise you, but you will surprise yourself more. And this is my one and only confession. I am going to be my own person. And that scares me but I need to make individual options which will benefit myself and my future. 

Sometimes you need to hurt yourself on the short term to realise what is best for you on the future. As it will get better.