I'm scared.

Life is extremely terrifying. And as individuals we all go through different experiences which scare us in an almost eclectic manner and to me there's been a few things which I think just putting out there will make me feel a whole lot better. 

So here is my brutal confession. 

I am afraid for my future. Yes this may sound stupid to most reading this but it's true. I am a 20 year old student repeating my second semester at university and I failed due to 1. An illness and 2. Finding out that I was dyslexic, and it was to be honest the most heartbreaking thing I have ever discovered. 

Being diagnosed was an issue which I immensely struggled with and it caused me to feel almost as if I was grieving my intelligence or lack of it because for so many years I worked my arse off, revised months in advance and still got mediocre results. I constantly told teachers that reading was a struggle and that although I enjoyed it, the ability to recall any information was difficult and even reading in general was an arduous task as the words jumbled. And to be dismissed for so many years as being lazy or not as diligent as others truly upset me as I work hard for what I ever want or get. And to me I feel as if my education has been lacking due to this failure which I have. Maybe with the proper help I could hav been able to complete any of the exams I took at school or college because I never completed a single one. And then maybe I could've got a better grade? 

I feel as if this disadvantage to my education could have been resolved sooner and to find out when I was already feeling extremely tired and depressed sent me into a spiral of despair. As tragic and over dramatic as it sounds it did.

It made me feel embarrassed to even go to class because it was a weakness and I felt as if it wasn't fair. I honestly believe I was in a period of grief because it was new information which I couldn't understand. Why hadn't anyone picked up on it or why hadn't anyone ever suggested any help? Don't get me wrong I have the most supportive mother on the world but why did the education system choose to fail me? I always give my all at school and college I was deputy head girl and to be honest I left school and college with better than average grades ranging not from a* to c but I think what upset me the most is that I did have potential, which could have been improved tenfolds given the right education prompts.  But to be told at the age of twenty half way through my degree (where to be honest my grades are abysmal) ... how could I possibly turn this around? 

As you can see I'm frightened and terrified. Because I'm not sure what the future holds for me. I am a positive person but life has thrown me a massive curveball which I didn't even expect and I'm scared of failure, to turn up in my class next year being the new girl who failed and everyone just seeing me as that girl who needed to resit. I'm scared to meet new people at university and I'm scared in case they judge me and I'm scared because what if I can't do it.

I'm petrified. 

But either way I'd rather try, than to always look back and think what if and I know that with hard work I can do it. And also my friends and family are extremely supportive so I'm lucky.

But there's still this nagging fear pulling me back in my head, questioning the possibility of failure.

Anyways thanks for reading and I hope that my honesty hasn't depressed you all. 

So this was a massive confession. So today there will be positives to conclude this blog.

1. Thank god I found out now rather than at the end of my degree. 

2. This is a second chance I have been given so if I work hard I know that I can accomplish my goals. If the little mermaid can become a human then surely I can swim through university. 

3. Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. You've got to lose some to win some.