Confusion to Conversion

Confusion is a large part of growing and becoming a new person. And the process to becoming this new person is extremely difficult. 

As individuals we face new challenges everyday and experience situations which we could never possibly imagine. 

And these strange, bizzarre situations place us in a peculiar stead as we never truly know how to challenge or attempt to tackle them.

Do we chase the dream or live a life of consistency? 

Do we experience the stress and pain of a regular life or the mundane normal routine?

And the worst part of our feeble human existence is our lack of ambition. We see comfortability and rely on it. We have our safety nets to fall back on. 

But why? 

Why do we never look beyond the present and into the future for longer than a thought? 

Why do we not push ourselves towards our dreams and immerse our confused souls into bettering ourselves? 

I understand the subjective nature of these questions and the personal situations which people live in which restrain us from being truly free but for once humanity should look outside the box of normality and into the world of excitement, fear and the Unknown as for what we may gain from the observation is a possibility of a beautiful new life. 

And as autonomous creature who roam this soon to be desert land, why shouldn't we grow, learn and expand our knowledges, hopes and dreams? 

Yes it may be a frightening path to take but one worth taking. Surely risks are far more important and beneficial than the standardised state of unhappy sheep like normality which humanity has adopted? 

So be confused and embrace the difficulties which lie ahead as experience is our only teacher. And if you do seem to reach danger amongst your way, be prepared to fight it and rise from the remainding cinder. As when something breaks it is not truly broken. Everything can be fixed with determination and the willingness to admit defeat. With failure comes knowledge which prevents us from taking the same path.

If you have a goal and fail once try again until you succeed and attempt another process to achieve the same outcome. 

Happiness is the key to living a beautiful and successful life and without it, surely we are no more than the other organisms on this world? 

We have a state of consciousness for a reason. Despite scientific explanations of us developing emotions and reactions to help us survive, there honestly must be another reason as to why we are here..

And to me personally it is because we all have a purpose to fulfill. Not an Aquinas like purpose or a Kantain duty, nor Dharma. But an intrinsic autonomous purpose which we have created ourselves.

And yes it will cause conflict and confusion. But until we attempt to aim for this new person or version or at least semi accept this internal change or strength, we will never become who we truly are. 

Also apologies. Yes the title is misleading. But this is not a religious article I promise, just something to ponder... So enjoy and consider what makes you happy and how you yourself are achieving it. 

New week, new day, health kick

You'll all be surprised to see a post which relatively is quite different from my usual but it's going to happen. 

Today I have chosen to get up each morning and workout 5 times a week eat healthily, make positive choices in my life in general as at the moment. I feel horrendous... So apart from my usual negative ramblings I have decided to keep a blog log of my fitness/ progress throughout the month! 

Just as a little experiment to see how treating my body properly will affect myself mentally. 

After reading many articles and from common knowledge, exercise and correct nutrients in fact help cognitive function.. Who would've thought ey? 😉

So here's my plan..

I'll attempt to eat no junk food and just drink water and two cups of tea a day. 

I'll also plan to exercise and with it I'll blog my progress, how I feel mentally and just in general what's going to happen. Also I will not tell anyone of this. I might post a few Instagram photos but apart from that I've decided it's my own personal mission to create a more positive version of myself and it starts from within right? 

So ill keep you updated and hopefully it will work a treat! Or I'll fail. Most likely and experience a prominent embarrassment, but I can try right? 

So here goes wish me luck and here to #bethansmission 

Change. Confusion. Destruction.

The world slowly turns around us and with each inhale of oxygen it changes slightly. 

We constantly are surrounded by this concept of change, something which is never ending and infinite. 

It's apparent through the seasons and how we see our environments morph into different colours, textures and hear new sounds with the passing days, weeks and months. 

We are in a flux of time where nothing is stable and secure and we need to move with the eras.

So we attempt to. 

We change our lifestyle choices, we cut our hair, try new foods but truly non of this matters. The human race seems to have evolved so much over thousands of years including our intelligence levels constantly progressing and this seems like such a natural process. 

One foot will always have to step in front of the other to be able to move forward.

Our world seems to constantly be changing and with it the human race progresses. Take for instance our life goals. We initially want to be happy but with happiness comes greed and we strive for more than what's necessary. 

But why do we change? 

And also what does it mean if we do not want to change? Does this make us gluttonous aimless creatures? Or simply accepting of what we are? 

Confusion I believe is what comes from change and it is a peculiar feeling which leaves me feeling sick to the stomach. 

How do we truly know what is the correct path of change? How can we travel down a route when the light to guide us seems so dim? 

Truly all we need to do is to just stand still and think, but why does thinking lead to more change and more change lead to more work which could possibly end in destruction? 

Here are the girl confessions of a rambling mad woman. 

My always and forever.

Well grandad it's been four years now and I honestly can't tell you how much you're missed because it would be an incredible task to attempt.  

Every day I still think about you whether I vocalise it or not I truly do. 

You were a massive part of my life and for you to be taken away is completely and utterly disgusting and I don't understand it.

I understand that you were ill, but surely such a good man deserved so many more years! I know that we should be grateful for the time we had and I am. You taught me life skills, maths, how to be true to myself and always supported every thing that I did! 

You even introduced me to proper music which I honestly could never be more in your debt. You gave me a passion which has pushed me to believe in myself in every walk of life and it all originated from jazz and soul music. 

But I miss you. 

Your funny sayings, your laugh and the way you hated public displays of affection. 

Do you remember when we went to TJ Hughes and I wheeled you into almost everything and you ended up walking instead? 

Do you remember when you, Faye and me went to Boro for the day and we ordered a meal and waited two hours for yours to be cooked, when the waiter just forgot to add it to the bill? And I offered you some cold chips and you were fuming all day?

Eee we had so many funny times! 

Such simple times, which are still etched into my memory now. Which to many may just seem mediocre, but honesty spending time with my best friend was enough for me. 

The longer you're not here, the more I'm getting used to it and I hate it Gangag I really really do. 

I hate that I can't fully remember everything and I hate how time has this way of making you feel as if you're not here because you still are to me at least. I see you everywhere and in the smallest things. 

But most of all I'm perplexed by how cruel my memory is because I no longer hear your voice in my head. I just hear the impressions and your singing but as I get older the fainter it sounds..

And along with that its only really photos that help me remember the details in your face. Like how blue your eyes were! 

But I do remember your beard and how tough it was and how soft your head hair was and how hilarious you were and to be that's good enough. It'll have to be. 

All in all life's never as good compared to when you were here. And there's never a moment where I look back and feel regret because we did everything together. 

And although I miss you and wish you were here, at least you're not in pain, and I'll never forget you squeezing my hand. 

I love you so much and will never stop loving you, you old buggar. And I could never thankyou enough for everything you did for our family. 

Miss you G-Dog and I love you to the moon and back. 

Lazy Arses, read this and contemplate. Aka me.

Inspiration is hard to find these days. Especially for people who have come from countries such as Britain. Whether you're on the bread line or higher up in the class formation, we always have options which other less financially stable countries have. 

We all have the ability and right to an education, in fact it is a legal contract for us up until the age of 18 and then we can decide what we can do with our lives. 

Even if in our youth we are less committed to our education, we always seem to be able to achieve a life which we want and can have whether it's through diligence or sponging off of the government.

We essentially are sorted.

We constantly have options handed to us on a silver platter which affect how we push forward in life. 

But how do we motivate ourselves? 

Personally I can't even stick to a diet for a week let alone think of much pressing issues such as my future. But it is this lack of motivation which our current youths of society have. Me being a victim to the options of possibilities. 

We all seem to have an understanding that to fail is ok, we stand back up and somehow have a safety net.. But why do we have this? 

Why do we deserve this? 

Personally I feel like I'm falling and seem to believe that I have this safety precaution which will inevitably catch me when the process ends but in reality I don't. 

I need motivation, I need structure in my life. I need certainty and the outline of what's happening to me to be at the forefront of my imagination otherwise I digress. 

So basically this is an ill written way to articulate how I'm struggling.

I don't know my future and it's not ok. 

I don't feel pressed to work enthusiastically with vigour and I'm unsure as to why? 

I don't understand why I'm feeling an eclecticism of emotions tearing me between being hardworking and a complete sloth and it's so infuriating.

Is this just human nature? Are we truly hungry or bored? I believe so.. The media portrays diligence through young slim humanoids who have the ability to conquer all including a healthy lifestyle through eating a leaf a day, reading a book and cycling in a montage of images collated to create 30 seconds of falsely advertised success. 

It takes more than that. 

It takes your gut instinct and your heart and soul to truly achieve an aim, not half arsed attempts. 

So why am I not practising what I preach? And also why is it so much easier to motivate and aid others than to do this myself? 

I think it's a difficult thing to challenge ourselves and with any adversity we cower away and retreat back to the comfort of our warm sheets. It's our natural instinct to shy away from what makes us worried, scared and nervous.

But it's time to make sacrifices. Grab life by the balls and move forward. You get nowhere in life by just thinking in black and white, it's the grey areas which make us diverse, educated and unique. 

So come on people. Let's be a nation of doers rather than donts. Let's wake up in the morning with hopes and positivity and not snooze our alarms. 

I know you can do it! It's just a lot of hard work...but it's possible! 

Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game!  

Chances

There are moments in life where we have to make important decisions.Whether to stay and resume normality or to leave to learn and to grow individually through new experiences. And these choices vary due to circumstance. 

But how truly can we make such important decisions which can impact on our lives in so many ways? 

Obviously we could hedonistically calculate how the decision will benefit us and those around us. Then see what it will cost us individually.. But truly how do we have the ability to choose what is best for us? 

Some may say that fate allowed this to happen, that everything was leading up to this moment. 

Or that a higher being or a force bigger than us has directed us down, up, or along this path..

That it's a case of a new opportunity excitement and a way for us to step out of our comfort zone in the dark and we should bound towards the light..

Or that it's greed of wanting more than just the draining life of normality. 

Personally I believe that everything happens for some sort of reason and no matter what the event or reason may be it is eventually to help steer us towards our greater good!

Whether this may be a new career, friendship or life choice it has been done to show us what else is out there.

I believe that within our current society to many aspects of our lives are led by our heads and not our hearts. We've become a dreamless civilisation of approval and we spend too much time looking down at our phones and hoping that we will be gratified with a like, which is only liked mainly due to aimless appreciation. Not the thing itself and this has inevitably led to the socialised acceptance of not pursuing what we truly want, but accepting the easy way out due to comfort and public acceptance. 

So think outside the box, create a new life try something new because there's a reason why the opportunity has came along! 

As a society we should choose to be true to at least ourselves and not aim for a target of which we do not want.

In the terms of careers expand yourself. Learn to love what you do and excel at it. Be the best you, you could possibly be..

In regards to lifestyle choices live in accordance to your own beliefs and desires within reason. 

In friendships explore and learn to understand new people, even step outbid your comfort zone and discover a persons true personality not just their charisma.

Try new things and be true to yourself. Never let the idea of hurt stop you because either way you will fall and what do we do when we fall? Stand straight back up.

So people leap towards new opportunities discover new things and don't be scared! Change is inevitable..

We waste so much time by worrying about others that we forget our moral duty towards ourselves, what will benefit us greatly and what makes you happy. 

Remember that you deserve everything which you work hard for even if you don't believe it and that pain is inevitable in life. It's how we handle the pain which defines our character. 

Tea and Toast

Sometimes all you need is some tea and toast. It's a comfort food which forever holds a place in my heart.

It's what I've always used to cure anything from a cold to a broken heart and it is the essential comfort food. 

Its what I've been brought up with and what I'm sure many others have too. 

Being a British citizen I presume it's not even just a culture preference but genuinely a code within my DNA and with that I think quite a comforting thing.

I remember waking up before secondary school and having tea and toast either drowning in butter and jam, or swimming in Nutella and then as I grew older it being the go to food for if I was running late, or had a shit day.. How do you resolve it? By eating tea and toast. It's a personal favourite for me which has so many memories encompassing it. 

So many memories? From tea and toast? You may be thinking I'm a complete fool but it truly does. It reminds me of so many mornings sitting with my family watching the tv, my first and probably last sleepover at friends house and countless of other so simple times which I cherish so fondly, but most of all it reminds me of university. 

In first year during my term times we had meals provided but I always woke too late or too early to be able to eat at the canteen, so I had tea and toast. 

When I worked at Marks and Spencer's it was provided as an obligatory free gesture to the staff. (Well of course it was, tea and toast is a part of British culture and if any store embodies our proud nation it's them!) 

So many countless mornings where Id start at six and had to be there for half five and I'd sleepily awake stumbling to the kitchen just to have the feeling of warmth trickle through my body and enter the cockles of my heart!

And also the hungover mornings with the girls in halls where we would all communally gather have a cuppa and toast and talk about who shagged who or what happened.. Usually who cahoori pulled and what numbers she was on..

But yes that was definitely my mind wandering.. 

What I am trying to say (but seem to be failing to articulate) is that it truly is a creature comfort because it brings people together. Such a simple act unifies a nation and by offering tea and toast ,such a small thing, can create so many memories and emotions! 

So keep being kind people, keep sharing and please keep drinking tea!