Thankyou!

It was quick and fast paced and everything seemed to happen at once. Like when you see a firework show and you see sparkles and hear loud bangs from nowhere. A little piece of magic that you're glad you never missed. That's how it was when I met you. 

You were perfect. Full of life yet organised and spontaneous. You were exactly what I needed. 

You just came into my life from nowhere and you were greatly needed. And still are.

I'm not sure where we are right now but I presume currently in limbo. But all I can say is that I want you to stay. And I'm asking you to stay because although it's been such a short time that you've been in my life, I truly feel that you have made such a large impact and for you to leave so soon would be devastating. 

But if you feel like our time has passed I would just like to say thankyou for being kind with fractured soul. Thankyou for caring when I truly didn't believe in myself. And as cliche as it sounds thankyou for the memories.

Dear Friend you will be missed greatly. Don't ever feel like I never cared because truthfully, I cared and still care more than you will ever know. 

Social Media ...

Social media just reflects the positives of a person and never shows the weakness which they are facing.

It's as if it is a secret advertisement of their life when we think about it isn't it? 

Its just a snippet or a screenshot of life which people use to hide behind. A perfectly angled and edited version of what someone owns or appears to look like. 

The truth is usually much darker. 

There are those posting pictures of their shopping but they secretly live in debt. 

Then there are those who post loving photos of their relationships when really it is crumbling at the roots.

And there are the mothers and fathers who post perfect family photos but secretly are struggling coping with new responsibilities. 

Why do we as a society seem to cower from the truth and hide away our insecurities and flaws, when quite truthfully it is these which make us all individual and unique? 

Here are some thoughts and ramblings of a mad woman. 

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I lie awake at night for hours and hours hoping for a sign or an explanation but it never comes. In a Godless society full of debauchery and unexplainable pain it's hard to even fathom the existence of a being so ultimately good who understands why these plights are occurring.

Sat in the dark I replay every single awkward moment I have ever experienced and reflect on their impact within not only my timeline but the people who it may have affected any action which I might have taken and feel so deeply apologetic.

I just don't understand why at the moment I feel so trapped, yet completely lost and so stuck into a routine, yet so deep in responsibilities that I feel like I'm drowning and so alone.

I wish I could offer an interesting post to the whole 1 follower whom I have, but I can't and I am so sorry to you.

All I can say is that right now I feel like theirs a heavy weight on my chest which is immovable. It's heavy, a nuisance and completely unshakable. Whatever this feeling is it's constantly there hovering over me and sometimes I do feel like it's just me. I should stop being over dramatic, so I put on my makeup do my hair, anything to make me feel any better but it just makes me feel so fake. I'm surely lying to myself.

Yet to speak up about this horrid feeling is to many an attention seeking mechanism, but I would like to insist it truly is not.

When you have no hope you see no future and with no future you have no desire to further yourself. Even if you know you can do or try better theirs this constant niggling in your brain telling you you're not even worth it. You're stupid, so why fight it.

What this is basically is an explanation as to why I have not posted anything in a while and it is also a public rant which no one will see and that's ok. I just needed this off my chest. At least it's one less weight on me.

I just feel so empty, lost and so much grief and I shouldn't. I have no reason to feel this way. I have a loving family and perfect friends and a dog who lights up when she sees me walk through the door. But I'm so sick of plastering on this fake smile and answering "I'm fine" when truly, I feel weak and constantly tired.

I understand this is just a phase that's happening  and I will get through it. But I would just like to apologise for the non inspiring and positive theme of this message. To anyone who reads this who feels the same please turn to someone who will listen or even a GP (your personal doctor) because you can get through it. Just at this present moment it seems hard and hopeless, but that's ok. It's part of being human.

So I'm sorry for the lack on inspiration. I could really use a miracle right now.

P.S. The worst and hardest part of this whole message is to take my own advice.