I'm scared.

Life is extremely terrifying. And as individuals we all go through different experiences which scare us in an almost eclectic manner and to me there's been a few things which I think just putting out there will make me feel a whole lot better. 

So here is my brutal confession. 

I am afraid for my future. Yes this may sound stupid to most reading this but it's true. I am a 20 year old student repeating my second semester at university and I failed due to 1. An illness and 2. Finding out that I was dyslexic, and it was to be honest the most heartbreaking thing I have ever discovered. 

Being diagnosed was an issue which I immensely struggled with and it caused me to feel almost as if I was grieving my intelligence or lack of it because for so many years I worked my arse off, revised months in advance and still got mediocre results. I constantly told teachers that reading was a struggle and that although I enjoyed it, the ability to recall any information was difficult and even reading in general was an arduous task as the words jumbled. And to be dismissed for so many years as being lazy or not as diligent as others truly upset me as I work hard for what I ever want or get. And to me I feel as if my education has been lacking due to this failure which I have. Maybe with the proper help I could hav been able to complete any of the exams I took at school or college because I never completed a single one. And then maybe I could've got a better grade? 

I feel as if this disadvantage to my education could have been resolved sooner and to find out when I was already feeling extremely tired and depressed sent me into a spiral of despair. As tragic and over dramatic as it sounds it did.

It made me feel embarrassed to even go to class because it was a weakness and I felt as if it wasn't fair. I honestly believe I was in a period of grief because it was new information which I couldn't understand. Why hadn't anyone picked up on it or why hadn't anyone ever suggested any help? Don't get me wrong I have the most supportive mother on the world but why did the education system choose to fail me? I always give my all at school and college I was deputy head girl and to be honest I left school and college with better than average grades ranging not from a* to c but I think what upset me the most is that I did have potential, which could have been improved tenfolds given the right education prompts.  But to be told at the age of twenty half way through my degree (where to be honest my grades are abysmal) ... how could I possibly turn this around? 

As you can see I'm frightened and terrified. Because I'm not sure what the future holds for me. I am a positive person but life has thrown me a massive curveball which I didn't even expect and I'm scared of failure, to turn up in my class next year being the new girl who failed and everyone just seeing me as that girl who needed to resit. I'm scared to meet new people at university and I'm scared in case they judge me and I'm scared because what if I can't do it.

I'm petrified. 

But either way I'd rather try, than to always look back and think what if and I know that with hard work I can do it. And also my friends and family are extremely supportive so I'm lucky.

But there's still this nagging fear pulling me back in my head, questioning the possibility of failure.

Anyways thanks for reading and I hope that my honesty hasn't depressed you all. 

So this was a massive confession. So today there will be positives to conclude this blog.

1. Thank god I found out now rather than at the end of my degree. 

2. This is a second chance I have been given so if I work hard I know that I can accomplish my goals. If the little mermaid can become a human then surely I can swim through university. 

3. Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. You've got to lose some to win some. 

#DONTJUDGECHALLENGE..?

The "Dont Judge Me Challenge" is a trending topic throughout social media, which truly defeats the purpose it is trying to convey. The original purpose of this challenge is to show that there is an inner beauty within everyone that is more perfect than what we attempt to create through aesthetic ideals. But to me this is creating a reversed effect.

Young people are turning to their phones and creating vines, videos, photos of before and after pictures of themselves being "ugly" before hand then "beautiful" after which to me seems in fact quite judgmental. These before photos include people wearing glasses, drawing uni-brows on their foreheads and drawing acne upon their faces, then they reveal a new version of themselves where their skin appears to be flawless, their glasses are removed and they have no excess facial hair. But surely this shows how truly damaged our society is as why should our natural appearance be portrayed with such a negative stigma?

Yes it is a known fact that within current society their is a high demand for beauty, weight loss and self improvements, I mean look at the majority of beauty bloggers and you tubers. There is nothing wrong with being proud of your appearance and wanting to improve yourself and yes I follow these bloggers and attempt to do their tutorials..

But there is a difference between wanting to make yourself happier by applying makeup etc and pampering yourself a little bit in comparison to displaying your flaws as negative attributes.

What I am trying to say is that "The Dont Judge Me Challenge" is in fact very judgmental and is  a false reflection of how people should be judged as it is creating a image of beauty which is not truly natural and denies natural human attributes. 

Beauty is not the ideal of flawless skin and eyes that pop, it is as cheesy as it sounds happiness, confidence and being a truly kind person who thinks of others before themselves and if you dont have positivity within your life or see the good in others then how can you possibly see the beauty within yourself. 

I am an avid follower of a Sprinkle of Glitter and to me, this woman is extremely inspiring for many different reasons but why I truly respect her is because of her positive outlook on life which she reflects through her personality, work ethic and campaigns. 

Louise has shown her support for the campaign #Thisgirlcan and it is truly a fantastic opportunity for women to feel empowered to be able to do anything they set their mind too. Yes we have wobbly bits which we may be ashamed of, but this shouldn't dishearten us to go after what we want. It aims us to overcome the barriers of judgmental ideals which brings me back to this "Dont Judge me Challenge.."

Women and Men face many obstacles within life which challenge us physically and mentally. So why should it be a challenge to not judge others? I understand and admit that sometimes we do judge a book by its cover, that's probably why I haven't read many classic novels, but to me in regards of human beings, we should never look at someone and point out their flaws. And if you re a person who does this, I think you need to overcome personal issues which are holding you back from seeing your true beauty and the beauty of the world around you. 

The "Dont judge me challenge" is basically like most of these challenges, a popularity contest and what is most upsetting is that many of these people taking part in this challenge are adolescents who are easily influenced, growing and learning about the world around them. Surely this across the internet is not a positive ideal which you would want your child look at? Especially since many teenagers main struggle with growing up is coping with how their bodies are changing and evolving into adulthood, so of course they will get acne, stretch marks, hair in places they never thought. Why should we shame this natural state of the human body? 

So heres my new challenge to everyone in the world. The new and improved don't judge me challenge which consists of a picture of yourself when you are happiest.

Here's mine in my dressing gown snuggling with my pooch, my glasses on no makeup watching This morning. Bliss. #Dontjudgemerevolution

So to conclude this rant I have three Confessions of the Dont Judge Me Challenge:

1. DONT BE SUCKED IN BY IT! Its a huge popularity contest which reflects the wrong attributes to judge a person on. Judge them for their personality, not their looks.

2. THIS IS NOT A NEGATIVE ARTICLE TOWARDS MAKEUP. I love makeup and its something fun which I do to make me happy and it makes me feel comfortable. But it does not conclude the beauty of a person. You may have flawless skin and golden hair and look like a princess, but you could also have the personality of a dried up plum and a negative outlook on life.. Which leads me onto my third and final ramble

3.LOOK PAST THE EXTERIOR APPEARANCE OF AN INDIVIDUAL AND INTO THEIR PERSONALITY. Looks can be deceiving and some of the most beautiful people I have ever known or met, are beautiful more so because of their kind nature.

Confession of Adolescence

Adolescence is a completely confusing thing to embark on regardless of whether it sounds totally typical but, it is truly the start of becoming, well yourself, and we all go through it in different stages which hits us all in completely different ways.

For me this process started with secondary school. I remember walking up to the big green metal gates of my school, all kitted out with a brand new uniform, feeling sophisticated and sleek. When really I still looked like I was at nursery in my bandanna (which covered the entirety of my head), round Harry Potter glasses and black Velcro shoes. Yep. I looked swag. But despite my appearance this was a new curve ball, I had to navigate myself from class to class, learn where all my classes were and get myself into a routine, let alone making new friends, yet somehow I survived. 

I don't remember much of it really. Well of the first day, I just remember my time at secondary school as one of the many steps to discovering who I am because it gave me first hand experience of maturity. Forming relationships, being in charge of my education and my health. It was what I thought a serious time for building my future, which don't get me wrong it is in the form of education. But during this period, I didn't know a future was possible without GCSES, A Levels, Degrees, Masters and so forth. My life was extremely easy, when I look back now. I didn't worry about my physical appearance, money or boys. Or not until I was at least 14. I was more concerned with other things such as books.I used to read so much when I was younger! I found it an easy way to explore, as there were so many genres, characters and worlds. The option choices were fantastic one day you could be in London, the next you could be a vampire (you know because the Twilight Saga was extremely popular and Edward was my bae) or even in a new complex universe and I loved the idea that anything was possible...

You know those words were always drilled into me. Anything is possible and I was a true believer of this at school and I think I truly embraced it. I was not only a massive geek being a Library Monitor, but I was on all of the school sports teams, sang in all the school events such as "insert school names Got Talent" and still went to the park with all my friends on a night. I had the best of both worlds, to quote Hannah Montana. Everything was still a possibility and I loved the ease of it all. 

Anyways to cut things short I left school with 12 A*-C GCSE's and woahhh I worked hard. I revised months in advance and can honestly say that I earned them marks and not only did it give me a great CV, but it got me into college.

College, Not like the american college, but with all the same antics. This was a time where it was apparent that I needed to grow as a person. I somehow changed in college and whether it was for the good or not I'm not so sure, but I struggled a hell of a lot. There were new people all falling into different cliques so naturally like a bee to a flower and I couldn't seem to fit in. I've always been a social butterfly, but it was so hard. We had to chose 4 options and mine were quite different, all in the humanities, but they were hard. Philosophy, English Literature, Religious Studies and Performance Studies and you can see how trying to socialize with all these people made it hard to find a group as they were all so different. The Lit students judged you on whether you read Bronte or John Green, The philosophy students judged you on your knowledge of theories and the Religious students well you can fathom that one out yourself.

I loved Performing the most. The subject taught you about music theory, how to play certain genres and the history behind the music. I became heavily involved within this course and enjoyed it soo much! It was at one point the only reason why I would go to college just so I could stand up and sing.

But even though it was the best course it was sooo hard to form a group because everyone in that class was also so eclectic. You had your Rockers, Punks, Emos, Popular's, Posh and I was never really one of them. So I decided to try and merge all of these int my own person.I dressed in loads of different styles from slutty to punk, dyed my hair blonde and eventually just stuck to wearing jeans and jumpers. 

But it was a time where I started to also discover the power alcohol and oh boy that was a marvelous new phenomenon. I used to take my a randomer's passport who sightly resembled me and go out with the girls, get dolled up and that was a weird thing to first experience. Going out on the town. In a dress, heels, fake tan, trowels worth of makeup looking like an extra from Ru Paul's Drag Race (which to be honest with myself it would be an honour to be able to do my makeup as good as those girls) and learning new things about life. It wasn't just alcohol which I embarked it was the empowered feeling I got from my new found confidence, it was how people would look at me differently and people from all walks of life talked to me and honestly it made the hangovers worth it. I started to meet new people, have a bunch of new friends and this was all from Town. But I'm not saying drinking yourself silly is the only option, but for me it was an open window to a new form of freedom, in the sense that I was in complete control over my time, my outfit, my food and drink and in general myself. It was a time where I was free from restrictions and I enjoyed that. The idyllic view of adulthood in which I was free and had no restraints. But that was not a true reflection of it at all especially three years down the line..

I am currently a 20 year old student who does not know her direction in life and to be honest its extremely hard. Yes uni is amazing and I'll do another post on my experience, but my second year was as hard as hammering a nail into a wall with a teddy bear and this is regardless of my studies. I had my own house which I shared with two other people, who I love but in the same compact tiny city house.. not so much, haha! But in all honesty the house came with so many different aspects of life which have taught me responsibilities which confused me such as bills. I understood that nothing comes free, but holy moly, I did not understand the true cost of a home. I mean we have to pay for water... what is that? And electricity is extremely expensive. There was a few times I thought of investing in a hamster wheel and running in it just to save a bit. And to be honest it would've helped me loose a few pounds. Shame I didn't follow this through! Haha! But also living in a clean environment.

All these years whilst being at school and college I was so annoyed because my mum made me do things for myself such as make my own pack lunch one or day or hoover one weekend or dust, or iron (you get the drift) but she did this to teach me that these little jobs which seemed pointless to me at the time are necessary in keeping myself organised and prepared for what life through at me. I realized whilst being in my own home how important this is as without this organisation, I wouldn't be able to function. For example; without all my clothes hung in a wardrobe I wouldn't know where my clothes were which would essentially make me fret over where something was which would create a massive floordrobe and a catastrophic drama which turned my lovely morning into a mess and rush to find what I needed, get to uni with all the right equipment, etc.

But this was such a shock because its a part of adolescence, not the money which is behind it all in the background but learning how to cope with situations, providing for yourself and along with that bettering myself through the process. I needed these little things to understand what adulthood feels like. It is about experience, learning about yourself and realising that we go through hardships to come out as stronger, more thoughtful and upgraded versions of ourselves. It's about being responsible with yourself and surroundings. It is an emotional rollercoaster and yes its cheesy as hell but it is. And there are other things which we all should take into consideration as well. Puberty, Body Confidence, Health.. But I'll come onto these in later Blogs. 

The whole idea of becoming an adult is an extremely daunting subject. And each day I'm learning and probably will continue to do so until I am 80. Nobody ever wants to grow up. Us 90's children love watching disney, taking photos and remembering that one song that reminded us of that one time because being an adult is hard and it is the little things which help us process the development.

So I would like to proclaim my three Confessions of Adolesenece:

1. School and College/ High School can be nerve wrecking, scary and daunting, but with support from family, friends and general loved ones you will get through it no matter what. You need to just relax and be yourself.
2. Life is hard. People will show you how life is a learning curb by loving and hurting you. But we grow from experience and need failures to succeed.
3. We all will have responsibilities in our lives and we need to face them with pride and dilligence. If you work hard you will become whatever you want to be.