Fake Friends.

I'm fake because I have coloured hair, I put trowels of makeup on and I tell people I'm fine, when in all honesty I feel horrendous. 

I hide behind a persona of an individual who is confident and sublimely happy as it is easier than to admit when I am in pain.

But if you ask me a simple question  or point out a miss-doing that has happened on my behalf I will respond honestly and truthfully and I'll apologise and accept when I'm wrong.

I have made many ill decisions in my life regarding of whom I trust, who I let into my life and who I regard as friends. 

So when I wish you the best I mean it sincerely. But do not try to come crawling back into my life after treating me like dirt dragged in from outside. 

I deserve more than that and our happy memories deserve more than that. Don't tarnish them with harsh words and bitterness. 

Remember you pick up the pieces of a broken mirror and place them back, but you'll inevitably leave behind shards and it will never be complete again.

Adulting

Life throws unexpected curve balls at each and every one of us at some point within our existence and they say that how we recuperate and bounce back is part of defining an individuals character.

So it has been two months since I was told that my education has been terminated and within them two months one of them has been spent trying battling the decision, the other has been accepting this transitional phase of my life and it has come with great consequences. One being thrown into a new world of organised terror and another one of an uncomfortable change. I have to officially become an adult.

This may sound absurd, but this path was not one which I expected.

My goal was to go to university get a 2:2, graduate, do a PGCE, become a teacher and do something which bettered myself and gave me a purpose, but now... I have to become an adult. Straight away. Make decisions on which job I should accept, one with more pay but needs excessive amount of travelling everyday, or one which seems menial and quite honestly soul crushing.
Another is saving up money so I can afford my own home whether its renting or buying, I refuse to live with my mother for another year as I am adult, I should leave the nest.

But what is really getting to me, is how slowly this time is approaching. I start working at a well known phone company within a week and I am neither thrilled, nor excited about this. It should be making me jump for joy that I got my first adult job in the first adult interview and that in itself is an accomplishment, but I just feel numb.

Is this what it is like now, the adult world. A sensation of routine and the constant feeling of normality that is so mind numbingly boring. Is this it for me now?

As I am already extremely tired of it. And to be perfectly honest I feel numb to everything and everyone around me. Life is passing by so slowly and each passing hour feels like an eternity.

I would just like to know why this journey in life has come to this road and what else it has in store for me. I just don't know anything with certainty anymore and this makes me feel in all honesty. Numb

Here's to New Beginnings.. Cheers

I tried my hardest. I can honestly say I fought until the end I have given my all. 

I've given blood, sweat and tears even my hairs falling out.

Ive given all of my time and effort, every inch of my soul and yet it wasn't good enough. 

And to me that's ok. 

Right now life just seems like a dark path, with no hope for joy. 

I have moments of feeling fine, then other times of feeling completely and utterly broken.

Almost as if I am grieving what was to be. 

I had a career path. 

I had opportunity, I had planned and mapped out my entire life. 

My life goals were to get a degree, get a home, fall in love.

Right now I'm hitting  non of the above criteria. 

And it was not due to lack of care, trying or commitment. 

All I can do now is to take a deep breath and look at my other options.

Right now I need to look after myself.

I'm merging on psychotic behaviour being so grieved and hurt from what's been taken away from me. 

I feel so sick all the time that I feel like I'm going to throw up all over.

It's as if I'm sinking right now. 

But all I can say is I went with a fight. 

All that is left now is a broken soul, a patchy scalp and a broken phone. 

But from all this hurt and anger and loss I've realised that all though I have no materialistic things of my own; I no longer have the opportunity to pursue my desired career path and that I now am extremely depressed and suffering from self doubt is that...

I have the most amazing family and supportive friends in the world. Who I love so dearly and could never imagine living without you all. I love you all so much and couldn't imagine a world without you in it, so I apologise for being so difficult during my mental breakdown and for all of you, I will get through this one way or another.. 

So thankyou for everything. I miss and love you all so so much. I'm sorry for locking myself away it's just so much easier sometimes to hide.

But I know now not to bottle it up. 

And also to New Beginnings ey? Let's all cheers to that! 

Goodnight and God Bless 

I'm going down with a fight

You sometimes may hit bumps on the road.
You may be told some information that could physically tear you down and make you feel so destroyed that you question your own worth.
But do not, I repeat do not EVER let it destroy you.

Whatever the outcome, whatever the possibility. If there is a 1% chance of succeeding or 99% chance of succeeding. You fight for it.

Because at the end of the day, if it was worth starting, it's at least worth all the hard work and effort you put into it to KEEP GOING.

At the end of the day you've got to decide what's more important, accepting defeat and lack of effort or accepting the FACT that you tried your fucking best.

I know what to do. Ill plead my case, I'll be honest and show the evidence I have to support myself. But I will never fucking give up until I can promise to you I have put in 200%.

You can take my pride and crush my soul. But you cannot and I repeat CANNOT take away something which I have worked hard for and put in blood sweat and tears. Not now, not ever.

Try break me, try tell me I haven't earned it. I DARE YOU.

Faith.

Sometimes all it takes is one moment to realise where you've been going wrong your whole life. Just one moment in time to realise what's been planned for you. And that's it for me now. I understand my destiny. I've found faith in something. And in what well...I do not know. But I feel passion, happiness, love and direction.

Some may say it's God, others just a coincidental realisation of my own destiny.

But I know now what I'm doing and where I'm going and who will be there with me. And it's definitely set in stone.

Although this scares me it gives me hope for the future. And I feel this hope like an everlasting flow around me.

Everything happens for a reason, I've been told before. And I'm not sure why this is. Or whom it is by. But I know it now.

The struggle has surpassed me now. There is nothing but determination and happiness left.

And for all those people who have been or are currently in my life I wish you all the best and all the love I could possibly pass around. For I am blessed to have even known any of you for a split second. And I thank you for bringing me to this moment even if it was unknowingly to you or myself.

I am so happy within myself and right now that's all I need.

I have faith.

Ever mine, Ever thine, Ever ours.

And after all this time it's clear to me that you were always the one.
I'd let you go and I know that's my fault.
I was betrayed by my new surroundings and curiosity.
The simple need and want of more.

Now many moons have passed yet I still search for you.
You have grown old but you still seem so young in nature.
The same smile, the same style, the same butterflies when I see or hear of you.

You were the one.
And you were perfect.
But I was blinded by selfishness.
And truly it is not you who was wounded
but me.

Just a girl.

|

Who am I you ask with your voice filled with surprise,
When you're staring so deeply with your alluring eyes
I am a girl that's all you can see
But there's more to adventure if you'd care to believe,

Who am I you ask with your voice filled with curiosity
When you're pouring the drink down my throat so forcefully,
I am a girl that's all you can see,
Youthful and love the attention all on me,

Who am I you ask with your voice filled with laughter,
When you're helping me up as I'm trying to  clamber,
I am girl that's all you can see,
Tripping in her high heels, giggling so gleefully,

Who am I you ask with your voice so caring,
When you're holding my hand, this is ever so daring,
I am a girl that's all you can see,
A girl who needs help oh fucking geez!

Who am I you ask with your voice condescending,
When your pulling my hair from my face as I'm vommiting,
I am a girl thats all you can see,
He thinks silly is she who walks with me,

Who am I he asks with his voice uncomfortable,
When your pulling at my dress my pants, I'm vulnerable,
I am a girl that's all you can see
I'm scared crying out but you can't hear me.

Who am I you ask with your voice so powerful,
When your taking me home in an unknown vehicle,
I am a girl that's all you can see,
Paralysed. Unconscious what more can there be..

||

Who am I he asks with his voice Unknown,
When your staring down at me, I'm not in my home,
All around my visions returning,
The room is white, my memories blurring
I am a girl that's all you can see,
Without a clue, what's happened to me.

Who were you with he asks monotone,
Did you attempt to get home, all alone?
I'm not quite sure that's all I can say,
The truth is bitter, but today's a new day.
I am a girl that's all you can see,
Who's starting to remember what's happened to me.

Where were you at? He asks with endeavour,
Trying to make me want to remember,
I was with a man and the story unfolds,
The memories are now bright and disgustingly bold.
I am girl that's all he could see,
I told the man who listened so patiently...

|||

Who am I get asked when they hear my story,
Some want to know my infamous glory,
The gruesome details and the emotional plight,
That I went through that cold November night.
I am a girl that's all he could see.
That's what I say, when they ask frightfully.

I am no longer the girl he encountered,
That foolish young girl who he had taken and mounted.
I am a woman it is clear to see.
Who will never forget the events misery,
But I take on the pain as a badge of honour,
As from this I became a beautiful flower,
Recounted my trust and gained an education,
For women are not just pleasure, sex, lactation.
We have more gifts than men can ever imagine,
A brain full of love, inspiration and madness.
Never let a man try to determine your life,
This may be daunting
and cause strife,
Bad things they do happen to all of us it's known,
But do not let it destroy one bit of your soul.