Fake Friends.

I'm fake because I have coloured hair, I put trowels of makeup on and I tell people I'm fine, when in all honesty I feel horrendous. 

I hide behind a persona of an individual who is confident and sublimely happy as it is easier than to admit when I am in pain.

But if you ask me a simple question  or point out a miss-doing that has happened on my behalf I will respond honestly and truthfully and I'll apologise and accept when I'm wrong.

I have made many ill decisions in my life regarding of whom I trust, who I let into my life and who I regard as friends. 

So when I wish you the best I mean it sincerely. But do not try to come crawling back into my life after treating me like dirt dragged in from outside. 

I deserve more than that and our happy memories deserve more than that. Don't tarnish them with harsh words and bitterness. 

Remember you pick up the pieces of a broken mirror and place them back, but you'll inevitably leave behind shards and it will never be complete again.

Adulting

Life throws unexpected curve balls at each and every one of us at some point within our existence and they say that how we recuperate and bounce back is part of defining an individuals character.

So it has been two months since I was told that my education has been terminated and within them two months one of them has been spent trying battling the decision, the other has been accepting this transitional phase of my life and it has come with great consequences. One being thrown into a new world of organised terror and another one of an uncomfortable change. I have to officially become an adult.

This may sound absurd, but this path was not one which I expected.

My goal was to go to university get a 2:2, graduate, do a PGCE, become a teacher and do something which bettered myself and gave me a purpose, but now... I have to become an adult. Straight away. Make decisions on which job I should accept, one with more pay but needs excessive amount of travelling everyday, or one which seems menial and quite honestly soul crushing.
Another is saving up money so I can afford my own home whether its renting or buying, I refuse to live with my mother for another year as I am adult, I should leave the nest.

But what is really getting to me, is how slowly this time is approaching. I start working at a well known phone company within a week and I am neither thrilled, nor excited about this. It should be making me jump for joy that I got my first adult job in the first adult interview and that in itself is an accomplishment, but I just feel numb.

Is this what it is like now, the adult world. A sensation of routine and the constant feeling of normality that is so mind numbingly boring. Is this it for me now?

As I am already extremely tired of it. And to be perfectly honest I feel numb to everything and everyone around me. Life is passing by so slowly and each passing hour feels like an eternity.

I would just like to know why this journey in life has come to this road and what else it has in store for me. I just don't know anything with certainty anymore and this makes me feel in all honesty. Numb